Gaslighting in Relationships: How to Heal and Move Forward

Mental Health Training

Gaslighting in Relationships: How to Heal and Move Forward.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which an individual manipulates another person to doubt their own perceptions, feelings and thoughts, ultimately leading them to question their sanity and sense of reality.

Do you ever find yourself questioning your own memory, feelings, or sanity in your relationship?

Does your partner try to convince you that your thoughts and emotions are wrong or even ‘crazy’? If so, you may be a victim of gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and mental abuse that can occur in any relationship. It can leave the victim feeling confused, invalidated, and powerless. It’s a subtle manipulation tactic that can be difficult to recognise, but once you do, it’s important to know how to deal with it.

In this article, we’ll dive into gaslighting, how to identify it, and, most importantly, how to break free from it. If you’ve been feeling gaslit in your relationship, it’s time to regain control and start prioritizing your mental health and well-being.

Many of us struggle to identify gaslighting, let alone escape it. There are strategies to stop being subjected to it.

Gaslighting is an insidious, manipulative and reality-bending form of emotional abuse. Yet, when gaslighting is in our own relationships, many of us struggle to identify it, let alone escape it.

What are the red flags? How do you know if it’s happening? What does a gaslighting relationship look like? We hear these questions often. After working with countless couples across 30 years of clinical practice, one of us wrote a book and a recovery guide to offer answers and to help people navigate the gaslight effect in modern relationships.

Here are three examples of gaslighting:

One patient had a boyfriend who told her that she was responsible for their fights. She often responded with a hello to people who greeted her on the street, including men. This bothered her boyfriend, who asked her to look at the pavement when they took a walk, so she wouldn’t have to think about looking or not looking when men passed by. She sought therapy help because she said she “knew he was right” about this helping to reduce their fighting, but she wasn’t happy, just looking down at the pavement.

Another patient felt like she couldn’t think clearly any more. She loved her relationship with her girlfriend but felt she had no personal space. Her girlfriend said if my patient truly loved her, she would not need space for anyone else. My patient felt confused and wondered if this was love or something else.

A colleague said his wife had been criticizing him for wanting to visit his family in Europe. For the last few years, she has said, “They don’t take covid seriously. If they loved you, they would be more considerate. They don’t care about our health. They don’t really love you.” He was feeling helpless and belittled.

At first, he thought she was being mean with her comment that they didn’t love him. But, over time, listening to her certainty, he began to think that maybe she was right that his family did not love him and that he was being selfish for wanting to visit them.

Signs of gaslighting

These scenarios have one thing in common — one partner knew how they felt but was made to believe differently. One partner knew something was wrong but was told they were in the wrong. In each of these scenarios, there was a gaslightee — the victim — and the gaslighter — the perpetrator.

When it comes to gaslighting, perpetrators use jabs of shame, criticism, and conversation pivots to belittle the victim and reinstate their own sense of power and quest for control. By engaging with the perpetrator, the victim steps into a “gaslight tango,” giving over their reality to the perpetrator’s distortion.