Being a Good Enough Mother with Dr. Tanya Cotler

Modern Mom Probs

Are you a “good enough” mother?

On the latest episode of Modern Mom Probs, Tara welcomes Dr. Tanya Cotler, a seasoned psychologist specializing in reproductive and maternal mental health and the parent-child relationship. Dr. Cotler explored the idea of the "good enough mother," a term coined by Donald Winnicott in the 1950s. Being a good enough mother means finding a balance between not being overly precise or intrusive in parenting, while also not being dismissive. This approach allows the child to develop into their true self while still receiving the necessary care and support from their mother. Dr. Cotler explains that if a parent is overly hands-on or too dismissive, there is not enough space for the child to develop their own identity. This can lead to the development of a false self or a coping mechanism like people-pleasing. The key is finding the sweet spot!

To explore further, she touched on the phase of maternal preoccupation in early motherhood, where the mother is completely focused on the child. However, as the child grows, there needs to be space for them to become their own person. Good enough mothering also involves allowing the child to experience failures and frustrations, which helps them develop trust and frustration tolerance.

In this insightful, relatable conversation, Dr. Cotler also emphasizes the need for mothers to create space for themselves, allowing for a range of emotions and reducing shame. She discusses the concept of rupture and repair in parent-child relationships and highlights the importance of inner repair through self-reflection. She is currently working on a book that explores maternal mental health and parent-child attachment.

If you’ve ever wondered if you’re a “good enough” mother, you should listen to this episode.

Links:

https://drtanyacotler.com/

https://www.instagram.com/drcotler/

https://renni.ca/

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