A Very Scary Christmas: Fierce Folklore, Macabre Meals and Ghastly Gifts

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Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year. Festive feasting on sweet delicacies, children filled with wonder, awaiting Santa’s visit on Christmas Eve. Unless of course, you subscribe to some of the lesser-known Northern European traditions. Then Christmas is downright horrifying.

Hans Trapp for example. After being excommunicated from his local catholic church, Hans Trapp roamed the countryside disguised as a scarecrow, obsessed with the idea of tasting human flesh. He lured a young shepherd boy to his death, cooked him over a fire and just when he was about to eat him, God struck him down with lightning. He’s dead now, but legend has it that at Christmas time, Hans Trapp goes from door to door looking for tasty young children.

There’s also Krampus, a demonic half-goat Christmas monster who kidnaps children and either drowns them, eats them or drags them to hell. Okaaay. And we mustn’t forget Grýla, a giant ogre who lives in a cave and emerges at Christmas to hunt for children to cook into a stew. Nothing says Merry Christmas like child cannibalism apparently.

Speaking of eating, not every country is into Christmas cookies. Some cultures prefer more unique delicacies, like the Russian favourite, Holodets, AKA meat jelly. It’s not the most appealing looking (or sounding) thing. The Soviets could work a little harder on their branding and aesthetics. Or how about some Lutefisk? It’s made from aged fish and caustic lye. You basically turn the fish into poison, then add enough water so it’s edible. Oh, and it corrodes silver.

But if you want to go fancy this Christmas, how about you try Kiviyak, a classic recipe from Greenland. You take about 500 auks (you know those birds that look like a mini penguins). Then you stuff them, beaks, feathers and all, into the hollowed-out carcus of a seal. Cover it in grease, put it in a hole and cover it with rocks for three to 18 months while it ferments. Delicious.

Now for those more inclined toward festive pastries, you better hope there’s enough butter, unlike the great Norwegian butter crisis of Christmas in 2011. The Nordic brethren got a little crazy when butter shortages left them imagining Christmas without their buns and biscuits. There were supermarket stampedes, butter smuggling arrests, and desperate Norwegians paying up to 50 pounds per stick. Much like the great Hawaiian toilet paper shortage in 1971. By the time Christmas rolled around, Hawaii was a post-apocalyptic scene of people guarding their TP supplies with their lives

We all know Christmas is about giving, and what better gift than Hasbro javelin darts. These outdoor missile darts were fun for the whole family in the 1960s until the ER visits started ramping up. There were also a few deaths. Let’s just say these things could pierce skulls, and in one case, they definitely did.

Another super fun toy was the Wego kite tubes, a giant ring you tie to the back of a speedboat. Certainly not your average floatation device, Wego resulted in riders losing consciousness, breaking vertebra, rupturing eardrums and puncturing lungs. That product got recalled and quickly became illegal to use in the USA and Canada.

So, whatever you’re into at Christmas, maybe steer away from deadly toys, poisonous food and terrifying your children with tales of cannibalism. Also, let’s hope you get some new clothes for Christmas so you don't get eaten by an evil giant cat. It’s an Icelandic thing.

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