Being and Becoming – Part 1 of 2 – Karl

The Desert Sanctuary

Being and Becoming – Part 1

(From our new book, Evolving From Religious Trauma. June 4th)

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Karl

I started recycling about three years ago. It always seemed like a promising idea. One company I worked for recycles about 95% of its material. They have obviously done it for years and have become very proficient at it. Various containers are strategically placed up and down our assembly line. They are emptied routinely, and adherence to the program is expected and normal.

We all want to get better. We want to heal our planet—at least, most people do. We want to somehow deal with our trauma. Most of us want to get in shape and get healthy. But the problem with getting better is that most often when we try to do better, we experience it as pain. It may or may not be painful, but it seems hard because it requires something of us. I quit recycling at home because I became interested in other projects, and recycling just seemed like arduous work.

We do not do challenging work because it feels like pain. Psychologists tell us that humans seek pleasure and avoid pain. This root sense of what to avoid and what to pursue is a logical way to stay alive. Eating the right foods and avoiding dangerous animals might be wise and valuable choices. But, if we are going to improve our lives, pain is most often involved.

I accidentally wrote about pain twice in my book, Being: A Journey Toward Presence and Authenticity. It is that important. Every day, advertisements tell us about a more pain-free way to make all our dreams come true. Even religion offers us a better way by promising miracles and inviting us to bypass our suffering with superficial platitudes. But history teaches that all change is painful. It may not be as bad as we thought and will usually be worth it, but there will be some pain when we decide to change for the better.

The best example of this for me was two-a-day practices in high school football. My friend and I were employed locally but still had to go before and after work to get in shape. We were in shape, but our coach knew we needed to be at a higher fitness level if we ever wanted to compete against other teams.

Changing our bodies from mere high-school students to athletes was going to require some pain. It hurt at first—a lot! In fact, after the first day, I could barely move. One of my brothers used to try to quit after the first day of football practice, but my dad would not let him. The coaches and my dad knew that the pain would decrease in intensity after a few days, and we would be stronger, faster, and able to leap bigger toadstools in a single bound.

There are only about three options for pain. Pain (or discomfort, at least) is always necessary for growth. We do not always have to make great strides in our lives, but when we want to do something new or heal our trauma, it will involve pain. Once we begin, there are about three categories of options.

Quitting

Quitting could have many voices. It might sound like this:

• “I give up. I do not want to do this. I shouldn’t have tried!”
• “Maybe I will just naturally get in shape…maybe it will get better or just go away…”
• “Maybe God will… I am sure God wants… The Universe surely will deliver…”
• “I can always start…tomorrow…when I’m not as busy…”

Everything gets better with action toward the desired outcome. I authored this poem in one of the painful chapters in the Being book.

The first step may seem like it’s daunting,

To take it seems almost too massive.

But then we lean in, and then and again,

We learn there’s no progress that’s passive.

Exercise hurts a little at first, but walking up a flight of stairs eventually hurts if we do not exercise. Dealing with our trauma may seem daunting at first, but we persist, little by little, and it makes our lives much better. Avoiding the unfinished business of our lives guarantees we will see it again when it surfaces at the worst time.

Numbing

Most of us opt for numbing the pain in some way. We have lots of options for this. Hobbies, church activities, drugs, alcohol, food, and work can all be productive, but they can also keep us from doing the necessary things for growth. Usually, numbing agents do not make the pain go away. They just keep us from feeling it for a little while. Most often, it comes back stronger later.

Leaning in

The only practical option for dealing with pain is leaning into it. As some would say, “To heal it, we have to feel it.” We still feel the pain, but when we are present with it, it has a chance to get better. When we lean into the discomfort of exercise, we allow ourselves to get in better shape. When we are present with our trauma, we find healing and transformation. When we sit with our questions and the uneasiness, we give ourselves the chance to have purer spiritual experiences and to grow in awareness.

Leaning into our pain moves us from reacting to responding. Before we know it, things get more accessible instead of harder. It does not mean that everything is perfect or without struggle, but it does mean that we are engaged with our struggles. As hard as this sounds, some parts of our journey can be even more challenging.

Early in life, I learned the value of working hard. I believed people could do anything they wanted by setting goals, staying committed, and striving for personal excellence. I was good at pursuing what excited me and built a good life for myself and my family.

Eventually, I found that this way of doing was not enough. I had to face the reality that, along the way, I had accumulated some residual trauma. My way of life accomplished things but avoided things I did not have time to address. Twenty years in small-town ministries meant that I had some fantastic experiences. Still, unfortunately, it also meant that I spent over two decades avoiding and bypassing what I felt deep inside.

I learned that I needed some deep healing, and I discovered that it would not go away naturally. I also realized the necessary process of being instead of just doing. I was about to learn that being was not passive, like I had imagined, and it was the only way to find the true self that I heard others talk about. I had sometimes touched that part of me, but I was about to discover a new journey of Presence and Authenticity more incredible than I could have imagined.

Presence and Authenticity seem kind of passive because of my background. I imagine them as something weird that people talk about as they bypass real life. I discovered that, in my religion, I was the one bypassing the tough and necessary work of healing by engaging in religious platitudes and avoiding challenging work. The journey toward Presence and Authenticity would be learningthat moved me closer to wholeness.

In my mind, the process works something like this.

In my book, Being: A Journey Toward Presence and Authenticity, I described this experience in more detail. But this summary should provide a framework for what I experienced. Your experience may differ slightly, but these three steps help us learn to live a life of being and becoming. I know it will be beneficial for you.

Step 1 – Facing My Woundedness

The weekend was different than the times before. Often, things that seemed unusual triggered me. Laura and I would just be talking or doing everyday things, and something would cause us to argue or experience tension. We never really resolved these things; we just stuffed them down. This weekend was different; I repeatedly reacted to everything that happened in the wrong way.

My usual pattern was to bypass the issue, stuff it down, and go back to doing my life. But this weekend was different. Eventually, I found myself wandering around a track, not sure how I got there. I felt like my thoughts were crashing into each other, and everything I had ever pushed down was coming up at once. I knew what this felt like, but I had never felt it so severe. It was too big and intense, and I did not know what to do.

I came back to the house and fell asleep. Laura and I talked, but we were not getting anywhere, and the experience had me exhausted, so I did the only thing I knew how to do.

I liked work because it often was not very nuanced. You are rewarded when you show up for work and do the job. If you work a little harder and plan better, making a mark and moving past the competition does not take long. At my first real job after college, I completed a self-paced study course in under half the time of others. I overcame my shyness and moved up through the ranks. My only shortcoming was my adventurous nature, which made me look for the next important thing. I started over several times but could always bounce back and land on my feet.

But this time, going to work did not solve any problems. By the time I got there, I was a mess. I could not attend the meeting outside my office, so I made an excuse and started trying to figure out what to do. Eventually, my plans led to a hermitage at the place where I would attend spiritual direction training later that week.

I talked to two spiritual directors that first day via text. I sat in a chair and texted Laura, then started blaming people. My friend encouraged me to “do some shadow work” and told me to investigate several books. I fell asleep exhausted that night without a plan or idea of what to do. I thought I should pray for a miracle. I believed that God could intervene, but I also realized how seldom that happened and that I often used this idea to bypass leaning into the issues I faced. It is called bypassing, which may be one of our most significant spiritual pitfalls.

The next day, I began reading Robert Augustus Masters’s book, Bringing Your Shadow Out of the Dark. I read every word, underlining, highlighting, and writing notes on my laptop. I wanted to get this right, and if I could not go to work, I would work as hard as I could in this process.

Eventually, the book told me to place my hand where I feel what I am feeling. I knew my heart had been knotted up for two days. I eventually said to the part of me that felt rejected and abused, “I see you; I understand why you are feeling this way. I’ve got your back.”

As I was present with the felt sense of a younger me, my life flashed before my eyes. Then I kept seeing my kids and grandkids, muttering, “I’ve got your back,” and weeping in a way that I never had. This went on for what seemed like hours.

Afterward, I was exhausted, but I also felt reborn. I know now what I experienced was a form of focusing. I had learned something similar earlier that year, but I did not in any way know what I was doing. I was very simply just leaning into my pain. When I did this, my trauma began to shift, and I started to experience a being and becoming that I could not have imagined.

About 18 months later, I wrote down my experience, and to some degree, I relived all the emotions. Just like the initial examination, it was painful, but it was also worth it. Every time I encounter my woundedness, I get the opportunity to move toward wholeness and authenticity. I shared it with my friend, Mark Karris, who encouraged me to go deeper.

Step 2 – Going Deeper

My first reaction was to resist. But when I wrote down my story, I understood this leaning in and how it might be beneficial, so I agreed to send him what I wrote. I dove into each subject, which later became Part 2 of the book.

I learned about my fear and how it caused me to freeze and not face certain things. I realized it was beneath other things like anger, and I sometimes pretended to be brave when I was afraid. I also started understanding how fear made me vulnerable to things like religion or anyone who was selling a solution to what I feared.

Speaking of anger, I learned that not all anger is destructive. My parents encouraged me not to be loud or obnoxious and to keep my emotions in check. But sometimes, we need to get angry; in that situation, anger is the best thing to feel. We cannot exist there forever, but it was essential to consider why I felt that way and what it was trying to tell me.

As you may have already noticed, bypassing was a huge discovery for me. I never remember this being discussed in my 20 years of ministry, but looking back, I could see how it was deeply embedded in the way we did church and our spiritual lives. Instead of leaning into issues, we would spiritually and emotionally bypass them with platitudes and practices that pacified us while we went about our lives.

I always thought I had a voiceas a pastor. I got to speak several times a week, and I was always the one they asked to pray for. But when Laura and I wrote about her finding her voice after ministry, I realized much of my experience was saying what people wanted me to say. It seemed like I was challenging them at the time, but it was always within certain boundaries.

I also examined my inner critic’s role in my dysfunction. Because of its original intent, some call the inner critic the protector. It was extremely helpful to take a closer look at the part of me that sabotaged me and led me down frustrating paths. When I went deeper and examined the origins of this part of me, I could heal even further and move to a more responsive way of being.

Step 3 – Learning to Be

When I discovered that a better life was about being and becoming and not so much about doing, many things opened up. As I wrote the last section of my book, I titled each chapter “Being with…” and felt like I was discovering the truth of each one as I was writing. For example, in the chapter “Being with the Divine,” I thought I was coming to understand it even more while writing. In other words, I was also becoming even as I attempted to explain being.

I hope to break that down in the following words.

Being WHERE we are (Presence)

One of my favorite teachers was Ms. Beaty. In those days, teachers would take the roll. They would say your name and then instruct you to say “here” or “present.” Both words meant the same thing at that time, but now we understand they can have different meanings. When my teacher asked, “Are you present?” she meant, “Are you here?” When Laura asks me “Are you here?” she means, “Are you present?”

I have been working at physical jobs for the past couple of years. Previously, I was in an office with a management position. It is a long story, but I am in transition, and I do not have a long-term plan currently. So, people often ask me, “What is the plan?” or “What will you do next?”

My best answer for now is, “Today, I am loading things,” or “Right now, I am working on an assembly line.” I must tell myself the same thing every day, “This is where I am, and this is what I’m doing.”

There is a time to visit the past, just like I explained in my story. Sometimes, we at least need to have a felt sense of our past self, and we can do some genuine healing there. We also occasionally need to make some plans, but future trips often lead us on unnecessary adventures to unproductive living. The best place to be is where we are!

The best part about being present is that it not only makes us more productive but can also heal us!

Being WHO we are (Authenticity)

Integrity is one of the most important things to me. I have many people who are not my best friends, but I hardly tolerate people I do not respect. Integrity is not just telling the truth; it is being truthful about who we are to ourselves. It is not lying to ourselves.

Many of us who went through religious deconstruction experienced a sort of PTSD. We asked ourselves, “Who am I?” and “What do I like to do?” and “What do I now believe?” For so long, someone determined those things for us. Job one in evolving after deconstructing old beliefs is deeply examining and discovering who we are. Before we start chanting mantras about what we want to do and accomplish, we should set an intention to start becoming who we really are.

Understanding and living from a place of authenticity is my first intention for the second half of my life. I used to be determined to fit in because it made me successful, but now I want to be real because it helps me become more of who I have always been.

Becoming

The same year I had the experience I described above; I also discovered some critical aspects of myself. It is a descriptive phrase that my friends at Heart Connexion call a “contract.” It is just a description of my true self and how I want to live. It goes like this:

I am Playful, Adventurous, and Mystical.

Someone at work was trying to describe me the other day. I was joking around and making light of something while working hard. They described me in their way, but I said, “You mean that I am playful?”

They said, “Yes, that’s it!”

I said, “Good, because that’s who I am!”

I am becoming more of who I am. In a way, I am becoming fully human. Each of us has an isness that is unique to us. Removing the layers of trauma and leaning into the pain of growing can shift us away from the trauma and into a life of Presence and Authenticity. It is a being and becoming that I am learning to embrace more fully.

This is where I experience crisis and pain and learn to grow by stepping into them. This is where I experience a connection with nature and learn more about the universe and the Divine. I experience the presence of presence in every cell of my body when I am with my dog, when I experience my body, and even when I am uncertain. I enjoy solitude because I am never really alone, and even when I am with difficult people, I exist with them in Presence and Authenticity.

I discussed bravery and vulnerability in the last chapter of the Being book. More than anything else, people praise me for being vulnerable. Authors like Brené Brown realize that there is no bravery without vulnerability. Just like moving forward involves pain, it also makes us vulnerable. I cannot challenge you to play it safe and encourage you.

I want to encourage you to take the next courageous step. I realize that the next step will make you vulnerable and cause you some pain. But the pain subsides, and you will start being and becoming who you always were. It will not be easy—but it will be worth it!

Be where you are, be who you are, be at peace.

Karl Forehand

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https://thedesertsanctuary.org/leaning-forward-2023

Karl Forehand is a former pastor, podcaster, and award-winning author. His books include Out into the Desert, Leaning Forward, Apparent Faith: What Fatherhood Taught Me About the Father’s Heart, The Tea Shop and Being: A Journey Toward Presence and Authenticity. He is the creator of The Desert Sanctuary podcast and community. He is married to his wife Laura of 35 years and has one dog named Winston. His three children are grown and are begin to multiply! You can read more about the author here.