Episode 266: Ryan & Chris's Mom

Losing a Child: Always Andy's Mom

After Chana lost her oldest son Ryan to a drug overdose five years ago, she was understandably devastated. Still, bit by bit over time, she started to feel like her family may be on its way to recovery. Her second oldest son, Chris, had been crushed when he lost his older brother and best friend. He struggled with relationships and work after losing Ryan. Chris even moved back home to get more support from his family. Then, 395 days after losing Ryan and just as things seemed to be improving, Chris suddenly died as well.

As bad as Chana thought life could get, it was now worse. Two of her four children were dead. Chana said, "I didn't think I was ever going to be able to get out of bed and open my eyes without crying." There was a huge hole in her heart and there were times that Chana thought about ending her own life - but she didn't. She kept getting up each morning and functioning despite having tears in her eyes each morning.

Over time, however, the tears weren't on her pillow every day. The grief did not feel quite as heavy. There were times when she began to laugh and smile again. Chana remembers when she first started to laugh again, she used to want to punish herself thinking that she did not deserve to smile, Chana shares that after a long time and a lot of tears, she realized that she does deserve to smile. She deserves to have moments of happiness again.

As you listen today, you will hear me talk about Chana's smile. You will hear me say that every single time Chana brings up Chris's name, her face begins to light up with a smile. That should bring all of us so much hope for the future. Early in my grief, every time I said Andy's name, tears would well up in my eyes and my lips would quiver slightly. ever so slowly, that has changed for me as well. Often when talking about my dear, sweet Andy, a big smile will come across my face. In fact, as I write this, I find myself smiling and thinking of Andy's smile as well. That is my hope for all of you today that smiles may begin to poke through your tears.