35. How NOT to Make It in Stand Up Comedy

Deweerdo Podcast

A note to current and future comedians

It all started when I got out of the Army in 2017. For the past decade, I had moved across the world and never stayed in one place longer than three years. I always wanted to be a stand-up comedian. So many people throughout my life have told me that I am the funniest person they have ever met, that I always crack them up, and/or that I should be a stand-up comic.

So I decided to pursue this dream, the second that I got out of the Army. In December of 2016, while on terminal leave from the military, I decided to do my first open mic. I had no clue what I was doing, but I just went with it. I showed up to Hyenas Comedy Club in Dallas, an hour before they opened. The military had taught me to, at least, not be late. So, I signed up first on the list! I was excited and nervous, but I went through with it anyways. While waiting for the official list to come out (signing up first doesn’t mean that you will be first in the lineup), I met a guy whose name escapes me at the moment, Keyshawn, I believe. The guy must have been an Angel, because he helped me so much and I have never seen him since. Shout out to that dude! We talked about his career as a stand-up and how he’d been to LA to perform. It was all quite fascinating to me. So, I bought us a couple beers and waited.

Finally, the list came out—I was second to last. I had to wait until 1:45 am before I could go up. No sweat. More time to focus on this joke; one joke that was supposed to last me the whole three minutes on stage. It didn’t. But I did do very well. I started out by commenting on how fucking bright the lights were. Wow! For a guy who has done so much training in the darkest of nights, trying to stay hidden, this was new. I told the audience about how I’d just come back from living in Europe, and how much better of drivers Europeans are compared to Americans. Which, as of this writing sounds kind of lame, but I got all fired up about it, and the audience (maybe it was pure pity) seemed to like it. I walked off stage and that was that.

It wouldn’t be until another 10 months before I would get back on stage, because I was trying to find out how to fit in the civilian world. Way tougher than you could imagine.

Fast forward a year later and I had been a stand-up comedian for an entire year. And in that year, I had hit 90% of the open mic stages in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. Things were going well. I began working for Hyenas as a door/floor guy and eventually started running headliners out to the radio station on Friday mornings. I got to hang out with Emo Phillips and gave him his first ride in a Corvette! Kid Reid, from Kid ‘n Play! And a few others. My favorite was hanging with Billy D. Washington! The guy is a truly awesome person! It was nice to feel like I was coming up.

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