Defensiveness

Conversations with Cinthia

Why do human beings get defensive? Why does defensiveness feel so powerful when it arises inside us? And what can we do to deal with it?

Defensiveness is a way to protect the self-concept; it often occurs when a person perceives that his image or self-image is under attack. The truth is that we spend a lot of time misrepresenting ourselves to one another and to ourselves; it is hard to admit to ourselves and to others that we are really not all that we ought to be. Our misrepresentations are distortions of reality. Some of those misrepresentations can seem harmless or even helpful at times; we may try to appear confident during public speaking, which may actually increase our confidence over time. We might try to present ourselves as being in a good mood when we are actually depressed, and, in some cases, this may cheer us somewhat or help us not to be too vulnerable in front of the wrong people. But distorting reality is a slippery slope, and our behavior can easily slip into the realm of lying. We deceive ourselves and others into believing only the positive aspects of our personalities. Then, when we have a sense that our other parts are going to be exposed, or when we start to suspect that we have been lying to ourselves and are about to have to face an uncomfortable reality, we feel afraid. Anxiety and guilt can occur when we recognize that we are not who we really should be or that others do not see us the way we want to be seen. (This happens a lot in couples, workplaces, and other settings where it becomes hard, unwise, or impossible to maintain our positive-only presentations over time.) Defensiveness offers to help alleviate that guilt and anxiety. It offers a sense of protection when we perceive ourselves to be under attack.

We have lots of defense mechanisms for self-protection, and they are not all unhealthy. In fact, sometimes defense mechanisms can help us survive in positive ways. But unhealthier defense mechanisms help us accept who we are without trying to change, and that is not best for us or for those around us. (Healthy acceptance of who we are does not mean agreeing with all our own tendencies or defending our own bad choices.) Another problem with the unhealthy use of defense mechanisms is that, when we distort reality, communication suffers. We may not even be aware of what we are doing, or we may realize it as we are doing it but not stop. Then we try to bolster ourselves, and this is where trouble comes. We think our defense mechanisms are helping us be more courageous, but this is wrong. We become liars because we do not like what we know is true.

Human beings have lots of defense mechanisms. (And, remember, there can be healthy ways to protect ourselves.) By becoming aware of the most common defense mechanisms, we can use them less often, becoming happier and more secure about who we are. This is a step toward more effective communication, better relationships with ourselves and others, and, ultimately, a better relationship with reality. We do not have to spend our whole lives constantly defending ourselves, and doing so tends to lead us toward being things we were never meant to be.

Here are a few of the most common defense mechanisms, starting with the most primitive:

1. Denial of reality: This is simply trying to pretend that what is true is not true, and what is not true is, in fact, true.
2. Rationalization: This is trying to justify what we know is not really OK; it is thinking up a logical but untrue explanation for your behavior. It may begin with convincing ourselves, but we may go beyond trying to convince ourselves and try to get everybody else to agree that our justification is right.
3. Compensation: This is when we avoid facing a problem by stressing a strength in its place; perhaps we try to be so good in one way that it will balance, erase, or distract from the ways in which we are not so good. There are also more direct forms of compensation, such as using alcohol to avoid loneliness; we simply seek something that feels good in order to minimize our awareness of the bad.
4. Reaction formation: This is acting in a way that is exaggerated and opposite to the actual truth. Perhaps we rail against a particular evil in public, hiding the fact that we cannot seem to stop indulging in the behavior in secret. Perhaps we insist we do not care what others think, wrapping our identity around apathy or nonconformity to avoid our fears that we will fail to be what others want.
5. Projection: This is disowning unpleasant or unwanted parts of ourselves and attributing them instead to another person, a fantasy, or something else outside ourselves. We may insist that someone else seems upset when, in fact, we are down ourselves, or that someone else is untrustworthy when, really, we do not trust ourselves.

In order to more effectively deal with our own defensiveness, we first have to identify it. One way to do this is to notice when we feel attacked. We can notice our alarm signals, our breathing, the sensations in our bodies. Warning signs of defensiveness can include tightening gut, adrenaline rush, a sense of threat or rejection, paranoia, quickening pulse or breathing, etc. It is important that we monitor our bodies and our thoughts. Sometimes these warning signals indicate that we are in actual danger, while other times they simply mean we perceive some kind of challenge to our image or self-image.

Next, we can find a way to take a break, or at least a breath. We can intercept the physical symptoms. We can excuse ourselves to the restroom, splash water in our faces, take short walks and long, deep breaths, remind ourselves of reality, remind ourselves we do not have to be perfect and what gives us worth, remind ourselves we are loved, etc. We can even leave the environment elegantly. We can keep ourselves safe without being defensive. Remember, we control our actions, but the responses that come to those actions are out of our control. Thoughts are particularly crucial when avoiding defensiveness; we can respond to a negative with a something positive internally. And sometimes we can avoid situations in the first place that are likely to provoke our deepest vulnerabilities, reducing the likelihood that we will start to react defensively.

We can learn to control our defensiveness; if we do not do so, we make life difficult for ourselves and others. Dealing with defensive people can be exhausting. The best way to blunt the effects of someone else’s defensiveness is to avoid becoming defensive in return, even when provoked. We can acknowledge to ourselves that a given problem is the other person’s and not yours. We can be friendly and listen well, resisting the urge to evaluate, criticize, or suggest. Remember, we do not always have to prove our points or show someone else that he is wrong. We can consider whether we have the relationship to address a problem with that person, whether anyone is being harmed, etc. Defensiveness is a self-esteem issue, and, when you deal with someone who is defensive, you are dealing with someone who has self-esteem issues. Avoid getting sucked into a superiority battles. We can offer empathy without agreeing and can detach in a way that frees others and ourselves.