Don't Judge the Addict

Conversations with Cinthia

Today’s title is one that requires some definitions. First of all, what is an addict? What is addiction? Addiction has more than one definition but usually involves becoming physically or psychologically dependent on a substance; it can sometimes apply to compulsive involvement in behavior, such as gambling or sexual compulsions. Not all habits necessarily qualify as addictions.

At some level, we are all prone to addictions, but some people are much more prone to them than others. Genetics plays a key role in setting up proclivities to addiction. Trauma also influences addictions by taking away someone’s ability to regulate his or her internal world. Anxiety and depressive disorders can create or increase vulnerability to addictions. Chronic pain and severe injury including head injury, can set up a person for addiction, especially if treatment for these ailments involves narcotics or other controlled substances. We cannot tell just by looking at a person all the factors that may put that person at risk for addictions, and shaming them for being addicted is generally not helpful. Addiction is an affliction, not something people plan to have.

There is a difference between dependence and addiction, though one can lead to the other. A person who depends on a particular medication is not necessarily dealing with an addiction. Sometimes the body cannot do for itself what it needs to do, and medications can be used appropriately to help with this. Some people become dependent on medications that make their bodies function properly without becoming truly addicted, and sometimes we do not know all that is involved in another person’s medical care plan. However, dependence can lead to addiction, and signs of this can include lessening attempts to find other coping skills and ways to be healthy. At this time in history, we have an unprecedented opportunity to use pharmaceuticals in life-giving ways, but it can be very difficult to know how and when to do this. Medications that were originally meant to help people can sometimes work their way into hearts, minds, souls, relationships, and lifestyles so that they destroy the people they were meant to help and harm others in addition.

Another term in today’s title is the word “judge.” The phrase “do not judge” is frequently cited as coming from Jesus, though not always with proper understanding of the context in which He said this. In Matthew 7:1-6, Jesus told us not to judge lest we be judged. The compassion He showed and shows to sinners like us shows us how important a statement like this is to Him. In our society, however, we sometimes misuse the phrase “Don’t judge,” using the authority of Jesus’s words to mean, “Don’t tell me I’m wrong,” or to imply that all behaviors must be accepted as equally moral. But Jesus went on to tell us not to give dogs what is sacred or cast our pearls before pigs. A few verses later He warned against false prophets. How are we to obey the latter verses without making some kind of judgments? In fact, the Bible says not to judge ourselves. How, then, can we make behavioral decisions for ourselves?

The answer lies in the difference between judging behavior and judging a person’s heart, between determining that a behavior is harmful (or potentially harmful) and making negative assumptions about what is happening inside a person, between setting boundaries and shaming people. Jesus says in John 7:24, “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” So, in the verses in Matthew, “do not judge” does not mean that love should be blind or undiscerning; on the contrary, loving well requires even more discernment than the kind of judging Jesus forbids. It is healthy and right to recognize that some behaviors are harmful and wrong. It is loving to want someone to be the best version of himself or herself and to encourage this in appropriate ways. Wisdom often sees where particular behavioral patterns are leading, and love can motivate us to set limits with ourselves and others to avoid or minimize the harm that may be approaching. Sometimes boundaries are necessary and healthy, and they can be set in ways that are not inherently shaming (though, for some people, encountering any kind of boundary activates their own inner shame). Even deciding at last to walk away from an unhealthy situation can be done in kinder ways than simply ignoring or avoiding the person.

So today’s title and message can be expanded to the following: “Don’t judge the addict; judge the behaviors.” Judging behaviors well may lead us to encourage someone to get help or make changes, to pray for them and encourage them. Judging behaviors well may sometimes lead us to accept that another person has free will and that the only healthy option we have is to walk away from a situation we cannot change. Other people may sometimes confuse these things with judging in the way Jesus said not to judge, and, truthfully, it is often hard to keep our behavior judgments from intermingling with our sinful tendency to judge people’s hearts as if we were in the place of God. But loving well requires that we learn to support one another in being the best versions of ourselves, not in using our freedom to justify doing things that cause real harm.

There is a difference between an excuse, which attempts to justify inappropriate actions and make it okay to do things that are not okay, and an explanation, which simply attempts to help us understand the struggle. Explanations may help us understand one another’s backstories, biologies, and battle strategies. Exploring the root may help us find a solution.

The Bible is clear about truth. Truth is inseparable from God’s character. Anything that contradicts the truth is a lie. To call something a lie or a sin is to pass on that thing, but only God can pass judgment on the person engaged in that thing. Sometimes we don’t want to know or act on the truth God shows us, but that doesn’t mean we can redefine truth.

If you are struggling with an addiction, do not stop trying. Don’t give up. Don’t stop reaching out for help. You have the rest of your life to live, and it honors God to continue seeking Him and accepting the help He provides in our struggles. It can be hard for humans to deal with our own freedom; we are free to choose our behaviors but not necessarily to choose their outcome. Sometimes the things we choose are more powerful than we realized they would be. Jesus does not break bruised reeds or snuff out smoldering wicks (Isaiah 42:3, Matthew 12:20), and His desire is not to shame you. But neither does He want you to use phrases like “Don’t judge me” to dismiss the reality that you are more than the addictions that haunt you. Jesus took our sins, sicknesses, and afflictions on Himself when He died for us; He knows better than anyone how heavy they are and how much they hurt. If you are His (or if you turn to Him now), He will not leave you to struggle by yourself; He will be with you.

If you are not sure whether you are struggling with an addiction, consider some of the following questions: Are you habitually breaking God’s law by doing things He says not to do? Are you breaking human laws? Are your relationships suffering, or are you becoming more isolated? Are you lying, hiding, or deceiving to avoid having your behaviors criticized or limited? Just because something feels valid or justified does not necessarily make it healthy. Is there a pattern to what you are doing or when you are doing it? Is it harming your physical or psychological health? Is the thing that was intended as a solution actually causing more distress or impairment? Are you doing more than you used to do?

If someone you love is struggling with an addiction, remember that there is a difference between judging a person and judging behavior. Jesus gives us permission to make judgement calls on doctrines and deeds, and we are responsible for setting limits accordingly. Judging whether to hand someone your keys, or even judging whether you can continue to be in relationship with a person in his or her current state of decision-making, is not the same as judging the person’s heart. But negative assumptions about the person’s heart, etc., are. You can set boundaries in response to the person’s choices, and you can set boundaries in your own mind regarding how you will think about the situation, what conclusions you will draw, etc. Ask God to help you deal with the hurt without resorting to hatred. Accept help from Him and from wise others in determining what limits you need to set. You are not God, and this means both that you are not the person’s judge and that you have your own limits. You cannot rescue the person any more than you can judge the heart. Compassion and codependency are not the same thing.

No matter what role you currently occupy in these scenarios, remember that we are not even the judges of ourselves. God the only Judge. But He does give us plenty of wisdom for evaluating our own behaviors. Ask yourself the question, “Who is going to parent me?” You have freedom to make your decisions, but you cannot choose the outcome of those decisions. We are held accountable for what we have done. God wants to make you into the kind of person He wants you to be. He made you, and He also understands the ingredients He put into you. He gives us the free will and the strength to say “yes,” “no,” or “wait” to ourselves. Learn how to judge your own behaviors for your own benefit. The adult part of you should gently question the wisdom of your actions at times. Be kind to yourself and others as you do this because God is kind. Humans are a risk. Take the risk of being the best version you can be. You are a one-time occurring person, and you only get one life. What meaning does God want to create with that life?