NRR 14 - Deer Whisperer

Benny's Grab Bag

What has two thumbs and is intimidated by the idea of a deer with a howitzer and a bad attitude? I’ll give you a hint: It’s me. I have two thumbs. And I’m here to tell you, fear the deer. This is Vox the voice of Not Really Radio

More on scary deer in just a minute, but first, I’ve been getting a lot of emails and tweets from my listeners asking what you can do to protect yourself from local cryptids. I feel like the first and most important thing for you to know is that the FBCI branch that operates out of Tecumseh is among the nation’s best and very rarely is there an actual threat to you the population.

I can’t tell you how I know that because he made me promise I wouldn’t before he drove away in his black nondescript government vehicle slurping down what I would guess was a vanilla malt from Doll’n Burger.

Aside from that though I recommend carrying a vial of cryptid paralysis venom with you at all times. It’s super affordable, completely non-toxic to humans and looks, smells and tastes exactly like water. In fact it so closely resembles water that you would never be able to identify it if it weren’t for its convenient Busch’s water bottle packaging. If a cryptid comes into contact with it, however, they will immediately freeze solid… or start smoldering…. Or start spinning in circles singing I’m a Little Teapot…. or sometimes they’ll turn into a tree.

Back to our story of the moment. Who is the shadowy figure wearing antlers that’s been seen skulking about the various wooded areas in Tecumseh often in the company of several deer? Some say he’s a were-deer, you know like a werewolf but half deer instead of half big angry dog. Others are calling him a manifestation of all the deer who have lost games of chicken with motorists. I can’t attest to any of that, what I can tell you is that recent rumors indicate that he may in fact be a she. Why does this matter? It doesn’t, but that costume did not match the advertisement and one size does not in fact fit all. Just goes to show you, sometimes this show is just as much of a mystery to the guy who writes it as it is to you, dear listeners! Whether this person is a he, a she, a them or a rutabaga, they have earned a nickname, one you’ve already heard mentioned on this show: The Deer Whisperer.

Now someone who likes to dress up like a deer and play in the woods might seem a little unbalanced, especially in a town where so many kids skip school on the first day of hunting season. Not much of a threat, right?

Well, I wouldn’t discount them just yet.

We have already heard how the Deer Whisperer has been talking to the Wampus cat and his feral cat cronies. Now witnesses report that the Deer Whisperer has been arming the local deer population with spears and slingshots and - get this - has even been seen talking to squirrels. I don’t know if any of the rest of you have seen open season, but if our squirrels are anything like that, I’m avoiding the woods for… like… ever.

Just in case anyone out there thinks they could take the Deer Whisperer in a fair fight, I have one more nugget of information for you. That howitzer I mentioned earlier? They carry it like a shotgun.

Citizens are encouraged to keep their distance from any deer or squirrels they encounter and immediately report any sightings to the FBCI. And maybe keep some cryptid paralysis venom on you at all times.

You know, one way to avoid the Deer Whisperer and her cronies, at least for an evening, is to attend the Not Really Radio live event on April 30 at 7pm at Covenant Church right here in the bustling burg of Tecumseh.

Until next time, this is Vox and you’re listening to Not Really Radio.

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