This week Hotch has to bail his shitbag brother out of trouble as he's involved in some tainted wine scandal. Look, the only reason we're doing "Brothers Hotchner" is it leads directly into the Season 8 finale that botches the Replicator overarching storyline. Get ready for a lot of eye bleeding.

The Replicator "saga" kicks into high gear with "Carbon Copy", a case about a guy killing nurses and removing their eyelids...replicating the very signature of the blood painting guy from last episode. Zugs get zwanged, Scott Grimes shows up and Criminal Minds proves that the wrongly accused are just criminals that haven't committed crimes yet. All…

Leap into Season 8 with "Magnum Opus", an episode about Reid grieving his fake phone girlfriend getting real murdered by Dawn from Buffy the best way he knows how: by solving a serial case that may or may not involve a vampire. All the team knows is somebody in San Francisco is killing people, draining their blood and cutting off their eyelids. Wil…

To Season 7 we go with "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy", which is about a mass suicide at a military academy run by the guy who played Odo on Star Trek. There's some bullying involved, but surprisingly no child molestation, so credit to Criminal Minds. This one is loose so buckle in!

Bustin' makes me feel vaguely depressed! Ronnie and Jazz suffer through the fifth Ghostbusters movie, which has like five jokes in it. Why is there a talking ghost girl, and why are the ramifications of that swept aside in favor of an undercooked lesbian coming of age subplot? Does Bill Murray actively want to die every moment he's on screen? Why d…

Season 14 is over...for now. "Sick and Evil" is about haunted houses, a woman heavily invested in her Maine town's "lore" (don't CALL IT THAT), and Rossi still smarts from getting his ass kicked by the Chameleon. More slop from the CBS trough that your inteprid hosts have to pore through for the sake of comedy. What a world.…

In "Ashley", misbegotten main character Ashley Seaver does NOT return. Instead it's some missing child Season 14 bullshit. Ah, c'est la vie.

Season 14 rolls on with "Twenty Seven", an episode about machete murders in DC that occur every 27 minutes. Is it stupid or is someone trying to make a dumbass point? Both! Meanwhile, Prentiss gets the least charismatic love interest ever. Good thing we cover these out of order so we already know this romance ultimately goes nowhere. MENDOZA!!!!! (…

It's time to stare at the sun, by which we mean return to watching Sony's Spider-Man without Spider-Man movies.

I guess the episode title spoils the twist. Oops. Otherwise it's a pretty typical Criminal Minds episode, which is to say it's not good. And there's a Garcia subplot. Why even live anymore.

Season 14 slog continues on with "Rule 34", which, yes, we get it. It's terrible but we get it. Somebody is sending body parts in the mail to random women and if you guessed a predatory homosexual was behind it, congratulations. Also, one of Simmons' 17 kids gets in trouble at school and who could possibly care. It's another week in the mines for y…

In Season 14's "Starter Home" a young couple finds mummified bodies in their walls. This looks like a job for the BAU! Joe Mantegna and the gang unwrap a tedious tale of teen rebellion, arrested development, undelivered mail and more. Also, Joe Mantegna sees if his ex-wife's daughter's new boyfriend is a serial killer or not. You'll be pleasantly s…

In "Safe Haven", apparently you can drop off anybody under 18 at a hospital in Nebraska and they just have to deal with it. That plus Morgan has to deal with a nine year old who scammed her way across America. Criminal Minds was running on fumes even by Season 6, folks.

"The Longest Night" finishes off Tim Curry and starts off Season 6. Morgan gets angry! JJ becomes a hostage negotiator! More closeups of dirty teeth! It's a scene, man.

The boys are back in 2024, ready to discuss Criminal Minds again. This time it's "Our Darkest Hour", aka the one about Tim Curry driving around in an RV and smoking crack. Will The Prince of Darkness, as he's called, beguile our heroes or will he just kill some nobodies while Leonard Cohen songs play? As always, listen to the pod to find out.…

Happy 2024!

AKA The Christmas Eve Miracle.

Because of a promise made in haste a year ago that somehow came to anything, for the next three episodes Ronnie and Jazz will be reviewing the saddest of all trilogies, the Angels in the Outfield series. This first one has FOUR Oscar winners, not that you could tell by their performances. Listen to the boys rag on child actors, muse over "Ranch Wil…

Dr. Daniel Daughhetee joins the Five Timers Club as he and Ronnie dissect "Hamelin", a Season 14 episode of Criminal Minds that reimagines the Pied Piper into something even dumber. JJ reconnects with her mom, the BAU is basically useless and the episode makes the case that the worst thing that can happen to a kid is to be wrongly teased that his d…

Where is Wallace indeed. He's in "The Inspired", the not very inspired second part of the Season 9 premiere.

Part one of a really, really dumb two parter.

Two-Parter Madness continues (yes it's another theme) with our take on "Memoriam". Is Reid's dad as fascinating as you'd think? No, of course not. Is he a child molester? Find out by listening to Deliver The Profile.

In what may be the podcast's shortest episode yet outside of those weird early installments, this one takes on "The Instincts", part one of a boring two parter that's mainly about Reid's dreams. Child abduction too but mostly Reid's dreams. Speaking of, REED Diamond is in "The Instincts" playing a concerned father. Remember The Shield? Hell, rememb…

To celebrate Ronnie staying sober for seven years, the boys 'treat' themselves to a Season 1 episode, "Machismo".

"Seek and Destroy" is boring as shit, but at least it marks the end of our coverage of Season 12. It's a home invasion one, everybody knows home invasion ones suck.

Mr. Scratch brainwashes a guy to think he's Aisha Tyler's brother. Your guess is as good as ours.

It's here! The podcast of the summer is here...in late August. The boys convene to discuss Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, the film that dares to use the same word twice in its title. How disgusting is it? Why does Donatello sound like he's 5? How does Seth Rogen get away with whitewashing Bebop? Mutant Mayhem raises a lot of questions…

To discuss America's love affair with drone warfare as depicted in the Criminal Minds episode "Killer App", we once again turn to Thrawnderdome's Daniel Daughhetee.

It's another Deliver The Profile. This time somebody's hot for teacher in "I Love You, Tommy Brown" as Teri Polo seeks to reunite her felony-riddled family. It's more Season 7 garbage.

Another episode of Deliver The Profile. This is the skeeziest episode yet if you can make such a claim.

Rossi grapples with his ex-wife's mortality as the team grapples with a guy drowning and resuscitating his victims in "Epilogue". Also during the show, Ronnie and Jazz briefly review Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and talk about how night fishing is grade A loser behavior.

Ronnie and Jazz confronts bad mothers on "From Childhood's Hour", another Season 7 episode of Criminal Minds. There's really not a lot to this one besides Rossi reconnecting with his first ex-wife. Do we get to see some old people sex? Listen to the episode to find out.

It's the school shooting episode of the show. "Painless" also involves an unsub who feels no pain. Why these two plotlines were conjoined is beyond the hosts. "Season 7, eh, whatever" summer continues apace.

The boys discuss the furrytastic new Transformers, Rise of the Beasts. Do the beasts rise or do they not? Does this belong in the canon of classic Brooklyn films? Is this superior to the Michael Bay movies or not? All these questions and more will be answered in the two plus hours Ronnie and Jazz expend on this thing.…

Take out your gloves and start pounding a slab of meat because it's a boxing episode! In "The Bittersweet Science" some guy is going around beating people to death because he could've been a contender, or his son is dying, or something. Charles S. Dutton guest stars in the episode. It's Season 7. It's terrible. You know the drill by now.…

Race war! It's race war time as the BAU goes to San Bernardino to investigate a series of home invasions that seem to be racially-motivated. What does the dipstick who directed Atlas Shrugged Part 1 have to do with this? It's exploitative, racially dicey--it's Criminal Minds all right. It is disquieting how this episode echoes the racial grievance …

Ronnie is actually enthusiastic for once. He's on drugs in case you wanted an explanation. It sure has nothing to do with "Middle Man" itself, a miserable torture porn excursion smack dab in the middle of Season 6 that pits a lone exotic dancer against a coterie of rapist dipshits, one of whom was a Seann William Scott relative in an American Pie d…

Back to early days with Season 3's "Scared to Death", Ronnie and Jazz chat about a Scarecrow unsub who precedes the literal Scarecrow unsub on the show. As the podcast title indicates, Mandy Patinkin's Gideon has just departed the show and a decent part of this hour is the show dealing with his absence. Ultimately, though, no actor is bigger than t…

Back to business as usual as Ronnie and Jazz delve into "A Shade of Gray", one of the rare killer kid episodes. Witness Fake Kyle Chandler's bullshit plan! Listen to the boys do offensive Irish accents for most of the podcast. Hear them posit an altogether better slasher franchise than Halloween. Most of all, be happy everyone's back on their Crimi…

Not a Criminal Minds episode, but Gotham Knights fits comfortably in the Deliver The Profile remit by being poor television badly told. Why do they keep making Batman shows without Batman? Who the fuck is Turner Hayes? Where's the Robins anybody cares about? The CW's latest and least greatest foray into cheap superheroics plumbs new depths of awful…

When is a movie barely a movie? When it's The Super Mario Bros. Movie, apparently. Although Ronnie and Jazz did not find it unsettling on par with the Sonic movies, they sure didn't like it either. From needle drops to uninspired voice acting, this film has all the markings of an Illumination picture. The best thing you can say about it is it's so …

Four time guest champion Dr. Daniel Daughhetee asked for a "hard" episode of Criminal Minds, so he got a Season 2 of Beyond Borders thing titled "Obey". It's about a guy who kills people after being shot in the head and left for dead in an open grave. It takes place in Jamaica. Yes, it's racist. Why wouldn't it be? Also, Jack worries about his son …

Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie co-writer Chris Ludovici almost convinces Ronnie to give up doing the podcast. It's an existential crisis of an episode, folks, starring "The Fatigues" Seinfeld guy and a whole lot of belt stranglin'.

Tribute To The Shield Month ends with neither a bang nor a whimper, just another daaaaaaaay of podcasting. "The Big Wheel" is about an OCD man who kills blondes and is definitely not just a ripoff of Peeping Tom, the Michael Powell classic. Did that have a blind kid who got around by clicking? Didn't think so. In other news, Jazz is back from the v…

In this Tribute to The Shield episode, the boys welcome Ronnie Gardocki himself, David Rees Snell, to the show. Too bad he has a nothing role in a nothing episode ("Remembrance of Things Past"). Like, we're talking Season 6 nothing. There's so little to talk about the boys spend a digression on the NBC hit La Brea, that's how bad it gets. Otherwise…

This episode has it all: a digression about something President Trump said last year, a possibly good episode of Criminal Minds, and the guy who played Stathis Borans in The Fly and the quite possibly underrated The Fly II. There's so much incident it unfortunately overshadows our Shield alum this week, Catherine Dent. And she's doing things with h…

In "Tribute to The Shield" month, the boys take a look at episodes of Criminal Minds that featured cast members of The Shield in them. First is Season 4's "Demonology", in which a blast from Prentiss' past threatens to push the show into Touched by an Angel territory. Also starring: James Remar! It's a lot more boring than it sounds, but Ronnie and…

Fresh off the victory lap that was completing Season 16/Evolution of Criminal Minds, Ronnie and Jazz use the momentous Episode 250 to discuss another serial killer thriller: FOX's 2013 magical mystery tour THE FOLLOWING. Starring Kevin Bacon and James Purefoy, THE FOLLOWING is about a drunk FBI agent trying in vain to stop a shitty English professo…

It's over. Criminal Minds Season 16 is over, the manhunt for Sicarius is over, Doug Baby is over, it's all over until they start shooting again and we must begin contemplating Season 17. "Dead End" boasts a number of highlights, from apparitions to Josh Stewart having to deliver expository dialogue like a person. Of all the finales, it definitely i…

The penultimate episode has occurred, and it's just as disappointing as you might expect. Rossi interviews Sicarius' wife! Rossi interviews Sicarius himself! Flashbacks galore! Ronnie is overcoming sickness and may possibly be fucked up from DayQuil. Who knows! Who cares. The important part is this season is blessedly almost over, and there's no te…