Signs of Controlling Behavior In A Relationship

The Talk

DEFINITION

Someone who is “controlling” tries to control situations to an extent that is unhealthy or tries to control other people.

THE SIGNS

•They insist on Having Things Their Way

Controlling people often insist everyone do things their way, even small issues that are a matter of personal choice. Your partner might insist you change clothes if you’re wearing something they don’t like. They may refuse to back down even after you make it clear you disagree with them.

•They Refuse to Accept Blame

No one likes to admit they made a mistake, but people who are controlling seem incapable of admitting fault. Even when their actions are clearly the issue, they will find some way to blame you for what went wrong. It may be as petty as accusing you of distracting them when they made a mistake.

•They Need to be the Center of Attention

They want to be in the limelight regardless of the circumstances.

•They’re Unpredictable

They will keep you uncertain about what they will do next. They may swing between telling you how great you are and sulking because you don’t do what they want. The goal is to keep you guessing and focused on them.

•They Lie

Controlling people want to control your reality. They will try to deny your reality by lying about their behavior or yours. They may insist you’re the crazy one when you try to contradict them.

•They Want to be in Charge of Finances

If you’re married or living with a controlling person, they probably want to handle all of the money. They may claim that they’re better at it than you are or that you spend too much. They want to control access to money as a way of controlling what you do.

•They Dictate Where You Can Go

One of the most intrusive ways someone may try to control you is by controlling your movements. They may want to know where you are all the time. Whether it’s by threats, intimidation, or pouting, they try to isolate you from other, supportive people in your life.

CAUSES

There are several underlying drivers of controlling behavior. The most common are anxiety disorders and personality disorders. People with anxiety disorders feel a need to control everything around them in order to feel at peace. They may not trust anyone else to handle things the way they will.

Controlling behaviors can also be a symptom of several personality disorders, such as histrionic p ersonality, borderline personality, and narcissistic personality. These disorders can only be diagnosed by a licensed practitioner.

HOW TO DEAL

Sometimes controlling behavior is simply an annoying trait, but it may cross the line into abusive behavior. Once you determine the severity of the behavior, you can decide how to handle it.

•If the controlling behavior is mild, it can help to discuss it with the offender. You can tell them how their behavior makes you feel, using “I” statements to avoid sounding like you're blaming them.

•If your partner is isolating you from family and friends and using different tactics to wear you down so that it’s easier to give in than to argue with them, you may be in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS OF ABUSE

•Extreme jealousy

•Verbal abuse

•Physical abuse

•Unpredictability

•Possessiveness

•Forced sex or disregard of their partner's unwillingness to have sex

•Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens

•Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."