Turning Forty and the Power of Changing One Thing

Forty Drinks

Turning Forty and the Power of Changing One Thing

Eric Dyment assumed that who he was in his late 30s was who he was going to be for the rest of his life. He thought he would be an eternal bachelor, a teacher with the freedom to travel during vacations. He felt that’s how he was perceived by people. He accepted the characterization, even though he wasn’t happy about it. But making one change dominoed into changing the course of his entire life. As a student of the “Hero’s Journey,” he realized all the paths he’s followed and “quests” he’s faced gave him the confidence to take what he wanted when he found it.

Guest Bio

Eric Dyment is a native and resident of Concord, New Hampshire. He teaches eighth grade social studies at a public school in his hometown, something he never thought he’d do but finds fulfilling. He is a lover of the outdoors and spends time hiking and mountain biking, though time for those extracurricular pursuits has been limited since getting married, having a baby, and buying a house that came with extensive property and a barn. Now, his spare time is joyously spent on his new family and home responsibilities.

Turning Forty (1:45)

Eric turned forty during the pandemic. He remembers his thirties as a whirlwind. As he approached turning forty, he thought about when his mom turned forty, and said she didn’t take it very well. He did a good job of portraying that turning forty wasn’t a big deal, while inside having very mixed feelings about the milestone birthday.

Our parents' generation faced forty as being “over the hill” or the onset of the midlife crisis, but it doesn’t feel that way for people turning forty now. Now, it’s seen as “only forty” with so much ahead of you still.

Eric says college gives young people four “free years” to delay adulthood and explore and do what they want, which pushes back the onset of adulthood in a way that it didn’t for our parents’ generation. The timeline and path to adult milestones for things like getting married and having kids is very different for our generation than it was for our parents. In the earlier generation, the course of their entire life could be set by the time they were 22, whether it was college and a career or marriage and family. And, while that still may exist today, it seems to be a minority pathway.

Existential Dread (5:45)

Eric remembers feeling some existential dread about turning forty. He had come to terms with not achieving some common milestones including marriage. He earned a Master’s Degree at 37, but had planned to achieve that by 35.

Turning forty meant he was putting pressure on himself because he “should have done these things by now.” He thought that, if they hadn’t happened by now, then it was possible that they never would.

He thinks those feelings are left over from our parents’ generation and the idea that “these” [insert arbitrary thing here] are the things you’re “supposed to do” because that’s what they did. Even though his parents have been happily married since their early twenties, Eric didn’t want that for himself. He wanted to live, to explore.

There was a real tension between the fact that our parents worked so hard to make sure we had opportunities they didn’t, and we could do things they couldn’t - and yet, many times, they tried to hold us to the same standards and timelines that worked for them. The traditions of their generation hadn’t quite fallen apart yet.

The World is Your Oyster (10:51)

There are more paths available to us today than were available to our parents' generation. He tells his students that they have more opportunities than he did growing up. We don’t have to follow any set path. We can be anything we want.

Eric wonders if his inner monologue telling he “has to” do certain things is somehow left over from the Great Depression or World War II generation. Today, not only are our opportunities greater, but we don’t have to be just one thing. We can explore multiple pathways over a career.

Eric had no idea he would become a teacher. He studied politics in college because that’s what he thought he wanted to do. Even after four years of college, he wasn’t sure that politics felt like the right fit for him. After substitute teaching at his old high school, several of his old teachers suggested he go back to school to study education because of how well teaching seemed to suit him and how well he did with the kids.

Seventeen years later, he’s still enjoying teaching. And even after doing it for several years he never thought he’d enjoy teaching middle school. He thought teaching high school was where he wanted to be - and it’s what he did for a long time. Now, three years into teaching middle school, he’s surprised to find he’s changed his mind - and wishes he had made the change earlier.

He’s also shifted his thinking about the purpose of an education and his role as an educator. He’s evolved how he views himself in the classroom and how and what he teaches. He now focuses (in addition to content and skills) on his rapport with students and making them feel seen - especially with middle schoolers.

I Know Who I Am (16:16)

Eric wondered if he would be the eternal bachelor, a teacher who jet-sets during summers and vacations. He felt that’s how he was perceived by people and those were the cards he was dealt. He accepted the characterization, even though he wasn’t happy about it.

He figured, “if this is who I am now, I’m probably not going to change later.” Many people have those thoughts of “I guess this is who I am because this is who I’ve been.” We feel pigeonholed.

Eric seized an opportunity to move to south Florida, as much to shake up his life as to prove people wrong who thought he was going to be the same guy forever.

Moving somewhere with a much more diverse culture is one of the best things Eric ever did. It gave him confidence that he could do things on his own. It also allowed him to take inventory of who he was and what mattered to him, which ultimately led him to move back home after a couple years.

Eric had been feeling frustrated at his previous school. He felt like every day was Groundhog Day. He quit the job without having anything lined up. Then a position came up at a school in Florida where his best friend worked. Two weeks later he was packing his stuff into a U-Haul and driving himself to Florida.

People who knew him were shocked. They were comfortable with who he was. He threw everyone for a loop - including himself. He knew that if he didn’t take the opportunity to at least try, he would regret it. And, getting to work with his best friend again was a good motivator.

In the end, Florida was too hot, too crowded and too flat for Eric. He found building a new network and community was hard. He considered selling most of his possessions and getting a studio apartment on the beach so he could be “that guy,” but it just didn’t suit him.

Surprise! Your Life is Totally Different! (28:04)

After several years of exploration and introspection, Eric knocked off a whole bunch of milestones within about a year.

Eric turned forty in March 2021. By March 2020, the pandemic hit and he was fully resigned to the fact that he was the eternal bachelor. He got on some dating apps. In August 2020, he went on a date with a woman he met on Bumble. They met up at a park; he brought a cooler full of snacks. They sat on a park bench for three hours and earned themselves some very sore bums. By February 2021, they knew things were going well and they started to talk about getting married and looking at houses. Then things sped up.

He proposed in May 2021, after finding out the offer they put in on a house was accepted, and that his wife-to-be was pregnant. They closed on their house in August and got married in September. Their son was born in January 2022.

Eric realized what he wanted and what he had and knew it was time to make bold moves. Things he never thought he wanted before turned out to be exactly what he did want. Finding someone to spend the rest of his life with turned out to be important to him.

With respect to having kids, he had an “if it happens, it happens” attitude. He didn’t think it was going to be for him. Finding out his wife-to-be was pregnant excited him, which wasn’t the initial reaction he assumed he’d have. If he had to bet, he would have put money on ‘dread’ being the initial reaction to the news of a baby on the way. He was wrong.

It’s remarkable how much growth someone can have in a short time.

Eric knows how cliché the phrase, “when you know, you know” is. And yet, that’s what happened to him.

He reflected back on his conversation about his role as an educator and he realized that it also informed the kind of person he wanted to be with, the kind of values that were important to him. His wife is a nurse and both of their professions are about giving back and caring for other people. But she’s also the perfect amount of snarky and sarcastic for Eric’s taste.

Expecting their first child, their hopes for that baby are that he is a good person, but also that he’s got a good sense of snark.

Both Eric and his wife sometimes look around at their surroundings and wonder what they’ve gotten themselves into. The house they bought is bigger than they expected. And it came with a barn! Eric didn’t think he was “barn person” but it turns out he is!

They know that’s all good, though, and they wouldn’t want it any other way.

The Hero's Journey(36:07)

After following so many paths that weren’t necessarily the “wrong” paths, but weren’t the “right” path either, Eric is reminded of the concept of the Hero’s Journey.

On the Hero’s Journey, the hero has a mentor who helps him along. Eric looks back and can see people who influenced him and supported him. The hero goes on quests and faces challenges and, eventually, returns to his “real world.” He sees his trip to Florida as one of those quests that made him stronger.

The thing that makes him so confident about all the changes in his life in such a short time is the absence of doubt. He’s historically been notorious for doubting himself, but he never second-guessed himself about proposing to his wife. He never doubted wanting to start a life with her. That’s what feels different from the paths he’s followed before.

All the paths he’s followed and “quests” he’s faced gave him the confidence to take what he wanted when he found it. The years leading up to turning forty prepared him for all these changes.

Nostalgia for Past Selves (40:42)

Eric sometimes feels nostalgia for the person he used to be and the life he left behind. Mostly he yearns for time and a lack of schedule and flexibility. Being footloose and fancy free has turned into a neverending list of things to do with the house or preparing for the baby. But he realized that he likes doing the household chores. He may not always be excited to stack wood but, for now, he’s loving it. And maybe someday he’ll be nostalgic for the guy who loved stacking wood.

Not that long ago, he wondered what his life would look like if he didn’t meet his wife. He thought that he would have traveled in summer of 2021, which would have been great. The flip side, though, would have been that he wouldn't have had someone to share it with - other than on social media. He wouldn’t have made memories with someone. Selfies are fun, but he would prefer to be making memories with someone. And he’s come to realize that, while travel is great, even a trip to Target can be memorable if you're with the right person.

The Forty Drinks Podcast is presented by Savoir Faire Marketing/Communications

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