Turning 40 and the Curse of ‘Should’

Forty Drinks

Turning 40 and the Curse of ‘Should’

The last time Jaime Lang remembers being blissfully happy was when she was 27. Things just felt simpler and easier back then. By the time she was in her mid-30s she felt like she had gotten lost. She was overwhelmed by all the "shoulds” she felt she wasn't meeting. So she "accidentally" moved to Florida! By the time she was 40, she felt smarter, and like things rolled off her shoulders more easily. Now, at 45, even though she hasn't achieved everything she wants (who has?), she feels happier and more grounded than she did in her 30s.

Guest bio

Jaime Lang was born in Maine, moved to New Hampshire for college and lived there for 20 years. She spent a year living just outside of Boston before trading in her snowshoes for flip-flops. What started as a visit to her parents' Snowbird house turned into a decision to relocate, get a new job and begin a new chapter. In Florida she shifted careers, from higher education to recruiting, became a certified advanced scuba diver, took a stab at running - and failed! - and developed lifelong friends in the process. Florida was great for this wannabe Jimmy Buffet style beach bum but it’s really hot there and something was missing. After some pandemic introspection, she realized she missed the seasons but not the harsh winter, and she was ready for a new chapter and fresh canvas. She took a leap of faith, pivoted again, and relocated to Asheville, North Carolina, in the heart of the Blue Ridge Mountains. She’s been there a little over a year and spends her free time hiking, visiting local craft breweries and vineyards, and exploring with new friends.

When Were You Last Happy? (2:25)

At midlife, we start asking ourselves lots of questions about purpose and having other deep thoughts. Someone asked Jaime when she was last blissfully happy. Between ages 27 and 33,she felt like she could conquer the world.

Looking at pictures from old adventures and holidays and parties and celebrations, she realized that we were big fish in a small pond, making things happen. She remembers feeling unstoppable and that there was a lot of laughter in her world.

Working at a local college allowed her to become invested in the community, network and be deeply involved. But things started to change. Our friends started getting engaged and became less available for shenanigans. The college she worked at for more than a decade closed and, looking back, she realized a lot of her identity was wrapped up in that job.

Without a college degree of her own, she felt shame and like her options were limited. Until then she had been focused on achieving professional success. But now she felt like she was left with nothing: no career, no partner, no family of her own - and forty was rushing at her. She felt like she had lots of boxes left to check.

“The One Who Never Should Have Been” (6:27)

As she worked on her next move, and interviewed for new jobs, Jaime met someone. He was “the one who never should have been, but who we all need for growth purposes.” She quickly moved in with him. [checked a box] He lived in Boston and she always wanted to live there. [check another box] But it quickly became apparent that it wasn’t a good fit, which left her stuck with no job and nowhere to live.

She went to visit her parents, who snowbird in Florida, during a winter where Boston got 5 blizzards in 8 days. As a self-proclaimed “beach girl” she wondered why she was shortly headed back to Boston. So she applied for a job on a lark. It was a job title she had always wanted and would be great for her career.. She applied and interviewed and was hired on the spot. She drove back to her parents’ house in shock and told them, “I think I just moved to Florida.”

For the first three years, she felt like she was just visiting. It took that much time for her to feel like a Floridian.

Looking back at that time, she says, “someone pulled the confidence rug out from under me and I couldn’t find it anywhere.” It felt like her world was crumbling a bit. Her job was gone. Some good friends had moved away. Her friend group was drifting apart. She was feeling a “love gap,” which was compounded by the fact that she didn’t have a partner of her own to move on to.

“Shoulding” All Over (9:48)

A woman she works with said to her recently, “You really need to stop ‘shoulding’ all over yourself.”

Women “should” on themselves: I “should” be here. I “should” have achieved this. I “should” have a husband. I “should” have kids. I “should” have the house. The white picket fence. The big 401K. I “should” be volunteering.

We spend so much time “shoulding” that we forget to just “be.”

Jaime forgot who she was. She forgot how to “be.” She was so focused on what she didn’t have that she started chasing things without any thought to what she really wanted.

Once she realized what she was doing, it took her a while to find her footing again. A move to North Carolina has helped her find her center again.

She feels like she’s finally found her footing, her confidence again, but it took a long time.

She finally realized she doesn’t need a person or a relationship to be whole. She would love to have a person to go through life’s journey with but she realized she’s pretty independent. She knows what she likes. She’s got good boundaries. And she’s surrounded by fabulous people. She’s not alone. And she can do whatever she wants when she wants.

In 2020, though, she was let go from another company and job that she loved, thanks to Covid. This led to more reflection, and a realization that it’s 104 degrees in Florida for a good part of the year. She decided she didn’t want to shovel, so coming back to New England wasn’t the right thing for her. But surviving summer temperatures in Florida wasn’t right, either. So she became a “half back” and moved to North Carolina, in the heart of the Blue Ridge Mountains. It’s got four seasons, but none of them are as extreme as the places she lived previously.

Here We Go Again (14:25)

Jaime’s time in Florida ended much the same way her time in NH did, with the loss of a job she loved and the dissipation of a group of friends. But this time, she seemed to recover and find her footing much quicker.

Our mutual friend Tiffany Fifer gave Jaime a book many years ago called How Full is Your Bucket (affiliate link), which Jaime treasures. The book suggests that we all have a “bucket” of energy. We can spend our energy with other people and, ideally, they will spend their energy on us in a way that “fills our bucket.” The goal is to manage how we spend our energy and get good energy in return from the people in our lives. When we give too much we end up running on empty. A re-read of the book around this time reminded her that she has to focus on herself, that she’s responsible for her own happiness and fulfillment.

And despite that knowledge, she still wasn’t sure she was doing the right thing, so she “quietly crept out of Florida,” without saying goodbye to many of her friends - a move she regrets upon reflection.

Things Jaime does to keep her bucket full:

• Maintaining connection with family and friends
• Keeping up with what makes her happy - cooking, getting into nature
• Creating experiences and trying new things

Turning Forty (19:05)

Jaime turned forty while she was living in Florida. She was miserable.

She felt like she hadn’t achieved what she wanted to. Her “to do” list was still very long. She hadn’t yet found the job she loved in Florida. She was feeling like a tiny minnow in a much bigger pond. She wasn’t finding her network; she was having a hard time getting to where she wanted to be. She was feeling frustrated. Another relationship fell apart.

As she stared down the barrel of turning forty, she was missing her lifelong friends from New England. She wondered, “aren’t we supposed to be doing this together?” It stung for her to be away from the people she had deeper relationships with for the milestone birthday.

After turning forty, though, she felt smarter and like things rolled off her shoulders more, but she still sweats the small stuff sometimes.

She doesn’t know whether a relationship is in the cards, but is still hopeful. She’s become so independent that she wonders what it would be like to exist with someone in the same living space. Realizing that it’s not a cliché to “marry your best friend” Jaime is on the lookout for her “best pal.”

First Adulthood/Second Adulthood (25:57)

The decade between 35 and 45 can be a doozy. In First Adulthood, we make choices for external reasons, or based on the suggestion of some external authority. We follow a lot of “shoulds” as dictated by these people who act as authorities on our lives.

But then we come to the time when we become “unpotted.” When we re-pot ourselves, we choose the things that are meaningful to us and the things we choose to include. This is a time of great change in many people’s lives: divorces, marriages, career changes, a feeling of time “running out” for some things.

Jaime experienced a number of transitions between 35 and 45.

At the end of her time In New Hampshire, she felt like she wasn’t finding success. She felt alone and like everyone else was passing her by. So the move to Florida was something she did to “find herself” and unwind. After reestablishing herself in Florida, it felt even harder to move than it had leaving New Hampshire. She didn’t know if she was making the right decision.

“There was a hole I could not fill with all the brunches and boating and beaching.” What she was doing was fun, but it wasn’t deeply satisfying. So, she celebrated another birthday and some friends helped her pack up and get out of town.

True to style for Jaime, though, she’s made some great friends in North Carolina; she’s having fun and going to events and festivals and has found a job that suits her. She’s feeling settled.

Goldilocks-ing Her Way (32:50)

New England was too cold; Florida was too hot. North Carolina feels “just right,” even though it’s the farthest she’s lived from the ocean.

She loved hiking in New England and has re-found that love in the Blue Ridge Mountains. So now she goes chasing waterfalls and hiking mountains to try to keep her mid-forty year old body in shape.

I gave Jaime some homework that was given to me many years ago by Bill Burns, a psychic that I got to know well over many years. It starts with an odd question (mine, not Bill’s): how many voices do you have in your head?

Jaime and I both have two voices in our heads - a nice one and a mean one, and the mean voice is much louder than the nice one. This homework helped me get the mean voice in my head under control.

Before bed each night, grab a journal and reflect on your day. Write down all the things that “pleased you” that day. It doesn’t have to be things that went right or places you succeeded or achieved anything - just things that pleased you, no matter how big or small. Once you have your list, you flip the page and write down, one by one, the things that pleased you, what talents, skills, qualities or abilities you brought to the table that made that thing go well. What about ME made that thing go well.

Doing that exercise most nights of the week religiously for a year and a half changed my life. The mean girl in my head shrunk down to a reasonable size and the nice girl had room to grow. They became more balanced.

I left Jaime with the homework and asked her, if she decided to do the homework, that she come back and tell me what she thought and what changes she saw in her life.

Sponsor

The Forty Drinks Podcast is presented by Savoir Faire Marketing/Communications

Become a member of the Forty Drinks family!

Listen, Rate & Subscribe

Amazon

Apple

Google

Spotify