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เนื้อหาจัดทำโดย Candice Nolan เนื้อหาพอดแคสต์ทั้งหมด รวมถึงตอน กราฟิก และคำอธิบายพอดแคสต์ได้รับการอัปโหลดและจัดเตรียมโดย Candice Nolan หรือพันธมิตรแพลตฟอร์มพอดแคสต์โดยตรง หากคุณเชื่อว่ามีบุคคลอื่นใช้งานที่มีลิขสิทธิ์ของคุณโดยไม่ได้รับอนุญาต คุณสามารถปฏิบัติตามขั้นตอนที่อธิบายไว้ที่นี่ https://th.player.fm/legal
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episode 11

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Manage episode 300010619 series 2943547
เนื้อหาจัดทำโดย Candice Nolan เนื้อหาพอดแคสต์ทั้งหมด รวมถึงตอน กราฟิก และคำอธิบายพอดแคสต์ได้รับการอัปโหลดและจัดเตรียมโดย Candice Nolan หรือพันธมิตรแพลตฟอร์มพอดแคสต์โดยตรง หากคุณเชื่อว่ามีบุคคลอื่นใช้งานที่มีลิขสิทธิ์ของคุณโดยไม่ได้รับอนุญาต คุณสามารถปฏิบัติตามขั้นตอนที่อธิบายไว้ที่นี่ https://th.player.fm/legal

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SureEyes: [00:00:00] you're listening to quintessentially mental a podcast hosted by SureEyes, please note that this host is not a mental health practitioner or professional, and this podcast is not made for treatment of any mental condition.

[00:00:24] Spudcaster: [00:00:24] baobulb.org is a podcasting platform and a medium for storytelling. This podcast is also available on all the major

[00:00:33] podcasting apps, including apple and Google podcasts, podcast

[00:00:39] your life with baobulb.org.

[00:00:42] SureEyes: [00:00:42] Oh, this is quintessentially mental the podcast. And you're listening to me. Your host SureEyes. today's episode. We're talking about. I guess coping mechanisms or things in your toolkit that you could potentially use to help manage live with deal with your, your mental health state? Um, I dunno. I know personally I've tried a lot of things.

[00:01:13] Um, some things work better than others. Um, I've tried talk therapy, I've tried group therapy. I've tried exercise, mindfulness, eating property, sleep medication. Um, you know, and I guess the truth is that there's no silver bullet. There's no, like this is the recipe for balanced mental wellbeing. Um, or that's what I think.

[00:01:46] I think different things work on different days. Um, and sometimes I don't feel like doing anything sometimes I don't feel like crying. And so I end up wallowing and, you know, just kind of feeling my anxiety or feeling my depression or feeling my overwhelmed. overwhelmed. I don't even know what that word is.

[00:02:11] Overwhelmingness overwhelmed. I don't even know. Um, you know, I, instead of just always going into like problem solving mode and it happened pretty recently, you know, I returned to work after being on maternity leave. Four months. And it's like in my brain, I'd just forgotten that I have a super stressful and busy job.

[00:02:34] I just forgot. And so day one, when I was thrown back into it and I was like, oh, this is actually pretty hectic. Um, And then at about quarter past four, my nanny was getting ready to leave because she leaves at five. And then I thought to myself, shit, I need to do the dishes. I need to take my son. I need to bath my son.

[00:02:56] I need to exercise. I need to finish work. I need to cook. I need to, I just started getting overwhelmed and anxious that I'm not going to be able to do it all. Um, and so I had a major meltdown. I just kind of cried for five hours. And I was, took the meltdown to another level. I was just like, I'm so alone.

[00:03:16] I can't rely on anyone. No, one's here for me. I'm just set to do it all by myself. Like I wallowed. Um, and it took maybe, you know, the next day where I kind of said, okay, but now. I can stay in that state and I can feel the depression coming on if I had to remain in it or I can kind of look at my toolkit and go, okay, I have family support.

[00:03:42] So what

[00:03:43] I had to do was just kind of reach out

[00:03:45] to my mom and be like, Hey, so I kind of need you to. Help me with the cooking or once I've bathed my son, can you take him? And I can just do 30 minutes of exercise or, you know, so I kind of have to reach into my toolkit and figure something out to help me with this particular challenge.

[00:04:06] And I thought it may invite my friend, Nicole, back to the show. Again, we've had a long standing relationship with. Um, we've kind of walked the road. We've tried many things ourselves. We've, self-medicated, we've professionally medicated, we've hospitalised. We've we've done it all. And I kind of just want to have this conversation with her around, you know, how she's built her toolkit and her kind of survival surviving mental wellness.

[00:04:36] Um, so Hey Nick, how you doing?

[00:04:37] Nicole: [00:04:37] It's nice to be back.

[00:04:40] SureEyes: [00:04:40] Thanks so much for joining me again. I appreciate it.

[00:04:45] Nicole: [00:04:45] Glad you think that, uh, what I have to say is so interesting. I mean,

[00:04:50] SureEyes: [00:04:50] we, we, we talk a lot, we talk a lot about mental health. Like when we do connect

[00:04:57] Nicole: [00:04:57] we do no, we do. I think it's important that we do. Um, but just jumping right in there with something that you just said about allowing yourself time to wallow.

[00:05:10] I think that's so important and it's something that's, you know, everybody always says, pull yourself up by the boot strings and just get on with it. Hello.

[00:05:28] I’m against such a sort of idea in society that we've got to always be positive and we beat ourselves up about, about the idea that we're going to have bad days. And it's not really fair to ourselves, you know, because we lambast ourselves whenever we have a bad day and we're like, oh, we just need to get up and get on with it.

[00:05:48] You know, I think there's a lot of value in terms of your toolbox in, in allowing yourself a little bit of time and space to feel what it feels. You know, there's nothing wrong with, with giving yourself a little bit of time and giving yourself. That space to go. Okay. You know what? I've had a bad day. Uh, I, this is how I feel right now and that's okay.

[00:06:14] I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm not going to feel like, oh, this, this is what I should be doing instead of this, you know, just allowing yourself that, I mean, obviously it comes with limitations because obviously you don't want to allow. That to become a downward spiral where one day turns into two, two days and two days turns into a week and a week and on and on goes.

[00:06:42] It's not that you want to allow those feelings to, to completely overtake you. But it's just really, about. Not beating yourself up when you do have your minor. Well, in your case, rather extravagant meltdown, but you feel overwhelmed sometimes. It's nice to just throw your toys and that's, and that's okay. As long as then afterwards you go, okay.

[00:07:12] I've had my little meltdown now I'm going to, to see how I can. Deal with this and cope with it and move forward.

[00:07:22] SureEyes: [00:07:22] And I

[00:07:23] think what I learned,

[00:07:25] you know, obviously every mouth I've learned in hindsight from it, you know, where, what I realize I did, which also wasn't fair, but I felt like I needed to have seen it because, you know, in my meltdown where I felt overwhelmed and where I felt like I didn't have support.

[00:07:45] And I felt like, you know, What I, what I then tend to start doing. And I think a lot of us might be guilty of this is then start like kind of convoluting issues or kind of, so instead of me just going, okay, um, I'm feeling overwhelmed because I've now had that. Had to stop working again after having a baby and now new dynamic of, you know, being a mom, being a working mom, and then also having to do all the other chores and having to do kind of compounding it.

[00:08:24] But the fact that, yeah, I'm always giving the ones, caregiver and everyone else, and who's looking after me and then compounding that with why isn't it, you know? And so growing and growing, and I think. I could've maybe cried for an hour. And that was why I ended up like five hours.

[00:08:44] Nicole: [00:08:44] The takeaway from that is that feelings don't exist in isolation.

[00:08:49] You know what you're feeling about one particular issue in that case, it was, it was about work, but. It, it doesn't just limit itself to feeling overwhelmed about work. You know, that might've been the roots root cause of it, but that feeling then spreads into, into everything else in your life. And that can be quite difficult to then start to differentiate, you know, where the spinning is actually coming from.

[00:09:15] But I think one of those tools in the toolkit is to do exactly what you did and look retrospect to be and go. Where is that feeling coming from? And then the next time that meltdown happens, you can, you can stop and you can look at how you're feeling about everything all at once, all of a sudden, and maybe take a step back and go, you know what?

[00:09:40] I'm, I'm feeling overwhelmed for this one reason. And it is making me compound these issues elsewhere. So I'm going to go and do something else for 10 minutes. That feeling will subside and I will come back and I'll feel better about this. Yeah. I think, you know, having, having the ability to, to be introspective about it is, is important so that you can deal with things differently next time.

[00:10:07] SureEyes: [00:10:07] Yeah. So I think if we, if, if we, if we look at this idea of having a toolbox and what's the, I don't know, I remember kind of like a phrase from. Therapy or from where it is like not every tool is a hammer or like, what is it?

[00:10:25] Nicole: [00:10:25] I dunno, I find plenty of uses for a hammer so

[00:10:32] It can sort out pretty much any problem.

[00:10:40] SureEyes: [00:10:40] So, and so I think, you know, if I, if I think about it, You know, before I knew, you know, if we, if you think about this idea or this landscape of having things in our reach to help manage our mental health, you know what I mean? I think you get like things that aren't good for you and you get things that are good.

[00:11:04] Nicole: [00:11:04] Yeah. Yeah, of course the healthy coping strategies

[00:11:08] SureEyes: [00:11:08] that one of my coping strategies before I actually had the self-awareness of like, oh, I'm doing this because I'm feeling a certain way. I just found myself getting lit, like

[00:11:22] drinking

[00:11:23] so much and then realising I’m doing some dumb shit, like just doing some

[00:11:35] super dumb shit. And then after the fact going, um, I was angry also maybe a few years realising, oh, anger's just like, a mask for other emotions, you know, or, or the surface emotion, for other emotions. And so I think, you know, if we, if we can rather, you know, focus our conversation on some of the healthier coping mechanisms and what works for you, what's in your toolkit.

[00:12:09] Nicole: [00:12:09] What's my cocktail.

[00:12:15] You know, I do think that we tend to revert to, to unhealthy coping mechanisms when we feel overwhelmed. It's, it's interesting how that happens. I think that the unhealthy coping mechanisms, uh, things that we've learned over time and they've become sort of ingrained in. How we deal with the day to day, our day to day, the reason why we have these toolboxes and why we refer to them as, as, as this like definitive thing is because having other things to turn to prevents you from going down that route of using those unhealthy unhealthy tools.

[00:12:55] Um, I think a big part of, uh, the, the. The toolbox is actually just knowing that you have that toolbox. Yeah. It's that it's that you have identified X number of things that, that work for you. And when you get into an overwhelming situation or an overwhelming Headspace, or you're feeling depressed, it's knowing that you have those tools.

[00:13:21] That's very important because that prevents you from sliding away. Sort of losing that sense of control when you have your tools and you know that they're there, you have that control. You have the ability to go, okay, I'm going to open up my box and I'm learning to see what's in there and see what I can do in this situation.

[00:13:44] For me, a big. control is a big thing in my life. And just because I've always felt, you know, right from when I was a kid, I felt like my life has always been out of control. So I've, I've done everything that I could to try and try and create that sense of control. And because of that, I've found one, having that toolbox has been very important, but also having strategies.

[00:14:07] And I guess you could call that a tool in my box and having the strategy about what to do in a situation where I start to feel like I'm losing myself or I'm starting to feel depressed or, um, you know, and the anxiety is overtaking me. What do I do in those situations? You know, and I. I have a therapist, obviously that I've spent a lot of time discussing this with.

[00:14:32] And I think it's quite important to actually share these things that you, that you offline with someone, you know, someone else knows what to do in those situations and you know, so that they can help you because oftentimes we're not. When our feelings overwhelm, we can’t see the wood for the trees and it starts to become more difficult trust to make decisions we'll make good decisions for ourselves.

[00:14:57] So having someone there. Um, to, to be able to be your sounding board or to say, you know, this is what we identified when you were in a better space, this is what you should be doing right now. I think that that can be helpful. Um, so yeah, I think, I think having strategy, I mean, it's obviously going to be unique for everybody, but I noticed myself, there are certain things that I know I need to do.

[00:15:28] If my bad day turns into a bad week, turns into a bad month. You know, I see a therapist and I see a therapist even when I'm not getting depressed or, or whatever, it's, it's, it's something that I've consistently done for the last 15 years, because it's important to me. And it's important to have had that resource available when I need it.

[00:15:59] SureEyes: [00:15:59] Um, sorry to interrupt you there. I think that's something that people shy away from right. I think people don't see the value in having a therapist because they're like, why must I talk to a stranger who doesn't know me? Who doesn't know my situ, who's not invested in me. Who's not, you know,

[00:16:15] SureEyes: [00:16:15] And I’m just like for me, my response is always, but you would go to.

[00:16:22] Like

[00:16:23] a bariatric surgeon, like stomach issues. Why wouldn't you go to a psychiatrist or psychologist? Right. Someone trained in the human psyche, someone trained in that particular who understand you, but I'm sure they've seen your kind.

[00:16:47] Nicole: [00:16:47] I think a lot of people have this idea that, oh, why should I talk to a therapist when I can talk to a friend? And there's a big, big difference

[00:16:59] SureEyes: [00:16:59] friends are not trained to deal with

[00:17:01] Nicole: [00:17:01] Not only are, friend's not trained to deal with it, but it's unfair for you to expect your friends, to be able to deal with your mental health issues. You know, they can support you and, and a good friend will support you, but a good friend can’t

[00:17:14] hold you up a good friend can’t give you, you know, the tools that you need to, to dig yourself out of whatever hole you're in and to get your head space back to where it needs to be. You know, you can't expect friends to do that. And if you do, it's actually can be quite emotionally draining for them. I think it's important for us to be aware of that.

[00:17:39] And it's important for us too, to be aware of the effect that we have on our friends when we're in those mental states, not to say that you can't and you shouldn't, I mean, your friends do definitely form a big part of your support structure and now you can't expect them to be everything to you. Yeah.

[00:17:58] Sorry. Carry on.

[00:17:59] SureEyes: [00:17:59] I think this is the mistake we make right is, and I see it in relation like romantic relationship. More so than just with friendships. It's like you expect your partner to be everything to you. Right. You know, to fix all things wrong with you, so to speak. And I, you know, something I used to do in a relationship where I'd have, it's my, you know, it's for you to validate me, it's for you to, um, build my self esteem.

[00:18:37] It's for you to make me feel a certain way. It's for you at that level. Nevermind. You know, once you reach a point of crisis for you to deal with that, you know, It's really dangerous. I think for someone like me, who used to struggle with like codependency, you know, for someone like me who creates dependency in some of the relationships that I have, you know, it's, it's really dangerous because you don’t. You kind of rob yourself

[00:19:12] and the other person of being autonomous or of being, having agency. Of taking control

[00:19:20] Nicole: [00:19:20] You'll definitely eventually cut that person off at the knees because you know, there can't, there's no way that one person can hold another person. It's just, it's impossible. We don't have the capacity as human beings to, to carry someone for an indefinite period of time. You know, so you're doing yourself a disservice, you're doing them a disservice.

[00:19:44] You're doing your relationship a disservice will eventually break it because you are, you are expecting too much from the other person. And I think having a therapist can definitely not only help with those issues, but it can also take a lot of the response, not, not necessarily their responsibility, but a lot of the expectation away from your partner, that a lot of expectation that you have.

[00:20:09] Not the support, but the advice giving and the, you know, just it's about having someone else that you can go to and put your cards on the table and talk through these issues. And actually the better, not only new ways of thinking about things, but perhaps finding those tools that we're actually talking about, finding those in conjunction with someone.

[00:20:38] And a professional someone, as you said, you know if you were to, to have a broken leg, you would go to the door,

[00:20:46] SureEyes: [00:20:46] cholesterol issues, you would go see a dietician, you would see maybe go on some cholesterol meds you'd go on would be doing things that you would do with weight related issues. Right? Blood pressure related things.

[00:21:04] As an example, there’s medication there's diet there's exercise. There's that thing that will solve the full mental health problem. Sorry. I know there was a point when I thought you know, now that I'm on antidepressants, you know, I won't be depressed, you know, and it's like, this is the thing that is going to cure me, you know?

[00:21:34] And eventually having to realize that that's one part of my puzzle. That's one part of the...

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iconแบ่งปัน
 
Manage episode 300010619 series 2943547
เนื้อหาจัดทำโดย Candice Nolan เนื้อหาพอดแคสต์ทั้งหมด รวมถึงตอน กราฟิก และคำอธิบายพอดแคสต์ได้รับการอัปโหลดและจัดเตรียมโดย Candice Nolan หรือพันธมิตรแพลตฟอร์มพอดแคสต์โดยตรง หากคุณเชื่อว่ามีบุคคลอื่นใช้งานที่มีลิขสิทธิ์ของคุณโดยไม่ได้รับอนุญาต คุณสามารถปฏิบัติตามขั้นตอนที่อธิบายไว้ที่นี่ https://th.player.fm/legal

Transcript

SureEyes: [00:00:00] you're listening to quintessentially mental a podcast hosted by SureEyes, please note that this host is not a mental health practitioner or professional, and this podcast is not made for treatment of any mental condition.

[00:00:24] Spudcaster: [00:00:24] baobulb.org is a podcasting platform and a medium for storytelling. This podcast is also available on all the major

[00:00:33] podcasting apps, including apple and Google podcasts, podcast

[00:00:39] your life with baobulb.org.

[00:00:42] SureEyes: [00:00:42] Oh, this is quintessentially mental the podcast. And you're listening to me. Your host SureEyes. today's episode. We're talking about. I guess coping mechanisms or things in your toolkit that you could potentially use to help manage live with deal with your, your mental health state? Um, I dunno. I know personally I've tried a lot of things.

[00:01:13] Um, some things work better than others. Um, I've tried talk therapy, I've tried group therapy. I've tried exercise, mindfulness, eating property, sleep medication. Um, you know, and I guess the truth is that there's no silver bullet. There's no, like this is the recipe for balanced mental wellbeing. Um, or that's what I think.

[00:01:46] I think different things work on different days. Um, and sometimes I don't feel like doing anything sometimes I don't feel like crying. And so I end up wallowing and, you know, just kind of feeling my anxiety or feeling my depression or feeling my overwhelmed. overwhelmed. I don't even know what that word is.

[00:02:11] Overwhelmingness overwhelmed. I don't even know. Um, you know, I, instead of just always going into like problem solving mode and it happened pretty recently, you know, I returned to work after being on maternity leave. Four months. And it's like in my brain, I'd just forgotten that I have a super stressful and busy job.

[00:02:34] I just forgot. And so day one, when I was thrown back into it and I was like, oh, this is actually pretty hectic. Um, And then at about quarter past four, my nanny was getting ready to leave because she leaves at five. And then I thought to myself, shit, I need to do the dishes. I need to take my son. I need to bath my son.

[00:02:56] I need to exercise. I need to finish work. I need to cook. I need to, I just started getting overwhelmed and anxious that I'm not going to be able to do it all. Um, and so I had a major meltdown. I just kind of cried for five hours. And I was, took the meltdown to another level. I was just like, I'm so alone.

[00:03:16] I can't rely on anyone. No, one's here for me. I'm just set to do it all by myself. Like I wallowed. Um, and it took maybe, you know, the next day where I kind of said, okay, but now. I can stay in that state and I can feel the depression coming on if I had to remain in it or I can kind of look at my toolkit and go, okay, I have family support.

[00:03:42] So what

[00:03:43] I had to do was just kind of reach out

[00:03:45] to my mom and be like, Hey, so I kind of need you to. Help me with the cooking or once I've bathed my son, can you take him? And I can just do 30 minutes of exercise or, you know, so I kind of have to reach into my toolkit and figure something out to help me with this particular challenge.

[00:04:06] And I thought it may invite my friend, Nicole, back to the show. Again, we've had a long standing relationship with. Um, we've kind of walked the road. We've tried many things ourselves. We've, self-medicated, we've professionally medicated, we've hospitalised. We've we've done it all. And I kind of just want to have this conversation with her around, you know, how she's built her toolkit and her kind of survival surviving mental wellness.

[00:04:36] Um, so Hey Nick, how you doing?

[00:04:37] Nicole: [00:04:37] It's nice to be back.

[00:04:40] SureEyes: [00:04:40] Thanks so much for joining me again. I appreciate it.

[00:04:45] Nicole: [00:04:45] Glad you think that, uh, what I have to say is so interesting. I mean,

[00:04:50] SureEyes: [00:04:50] we, we, we talk a lot, we talk a lot about mental health. Like when we do connect

[00:04:57] Nicole: [00:04:57] we do no, we do. I think it's important that we do. Um, but just jumping right in there with something that you just said about allowing yourself time to wallow.

[00:05:10] I think that's so important and it's something that's, you know, everybody always says, pull yourself up by the boot strings and just get on with it. Hello.

[00:05:28] I’m against such a sort of idea in society that we've got to always be positive and we beat ourselves up about, about the idea that we're going to have bad days. And it's not really fair to ourselves, you know, because we lambast ourselves whenever we have a bad day and we're like, oh, we just need to get up and get on with it.

[00:05:48] You know, I think there's a lot of value in terms of your toolbox in, in allowing yourself a little bit of time and space to feel what it feels. You know, there's nothing wrong with, with giving yourself a little bit of time and giving yourself. That space to go. Okay. You know what? I've had a bad day. Uh, I, this is how I feel right now and that's okay.

[00:06:14] I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm not going to feel like, oh, this, this is what I should be doing instead of this, you know, just allowing yourself that, I mean, obviously it comes with limitations because obviously you don't want to allow. That to become a downward spiral where one day turns into two, two days and two days turns into a week and a week and on and on goes.

[00:06:42] It's not that you want to allow those feelings to, to completely overtake you. But it's just really, about. Not beating yourself up when you do have your minor. Well, in your case, rather extravagant meltdown, but you feel overwhelmed sometimes. It's nice to just throw your toys and that's, and that's okay. As long as then afterwards you go, okay.

[00:07:12] I've had my little meltdown now I'm going to, to see how I can. Deal with this and cope with it and move forward.

[00:07:22] SureEyes: [00:07:22] And I

[00:07:23] think what I learned,

[00:07:25] you know, obviously every mouth I've learned in hindsight from it, you know, where, what I realize I did, which also wasn't fair, but I felt like I needed to have seen it because, you know, in my meltdown where I felt overwhelmed and where I felt like I didn't have support.

[00:07:45] And I felt like, you know, What I, what I then tend to start doing. And I think a lot of us might be guilty of this is then start like kind of convoluting issues or kind of, so instead of me just going, okay, um, I'm feeling overwhelmed because I've now had that. Had to stop working again after having a baby and now new dynamic of, you know, being a mom, being a working mom, and then also having to do all the other chores and having to do kind of compounding it.

[00:08:24] But the fact that, yeah, I'm always giving the ones, caregiver and everyone else, and who's looking after me and then compounding that with why isn't it, you know? And so growing and growing, and I think. I could've maybe cried for an hour. And that was why I ended up like five hours.

[00:08:44] Nicole: [00:08:44] The takeaway from that is that feelings don't exist in isolation.

[00:08:49] You know what you're feeling about one particular issue in that case, it was, it was about work, but. It, it doesn't just limit itself to feeling overwhelmed about work. You know, that might've been the roots root cause of it, but that feeling then spreads into, into everything else in your life. And that can be quite difficult to then start to differentiate, you know, where the spinning is actually coming from.

[00:09:15] But I think one of those tools in the toolkit is to do exactly what you did and look retrospect to be and go. Where is that feeling coming from? And then the next time that meltdown happens, you can, you can stop and you can look at how you're feeling about everything all at once, all of a sudden, and maybe take a step back and go, you know what?

[00:09:40] I'm, I'm feeling overwhelmed for this one reason. And it is making me compound these issues elsewhere. So I'm going to go and do something else for 10 minutes. That feeling will subside and I will come back and I'll feel better about this. Yeah. I think, you know, having, having the ability to, to be introspective about it is, is important so that you can deal with things differently next time.

[00:10:07] SureEyes: [00:10:07] Yeah. So I think if we, if, if we, if we look at this idea of having a toolbox and what's the, I don't know, I remember kind of like a phrase from. Therapy or from where it is like not every tool is a hammer or like, what is it?

[00:10:25] Nicole: [00:10:25] I dunno, I find plenty of uses for a hammer so

[00:10:32] It can sort out pretty much any problem.

[00:10:40] SureEyes: [00:10:40] So, and so I think, you know, if I, if I think about it, You know, before I knew, you know, if we, if you think about this idea or this landscape of having things in our reach to help manage our mental health, you know what I mean? I think you get like things that aren't good for you and you get things that are good.

[00:11:04] Nicole: [00:11:04] Yeah. Yeah, of course the healthy coping strategies

[00:11:08] SureEyes: [00:11:08] that one of my coping strategies before I actually had the self-awareness of like, oh, I'm doing this because I'm feeling a certain way. I just found myself getting lit, like

[00:11:22] drinking

[00:11:23] so much and then realising I’m doing some dumb shit, like just doing some

[00:11:35] super dumb shit. And then after the fact going, um, I was angry also maybe a few years realising, oh, anger's just like, a mask for other emotions, you know, or, or the surface emotion, for other emotions. And so I think, you know, if we, if we can rather, you know, focus our conversation on some of the healthier coping mechanisms and what works for you, what's in your toolkit.

[00:12:09] Nicole: [00:12:09] What's my cocktail.

[00:12:15] You know, I do think that we tend to revert to, to unhealthy coping mechanisms when we feel overwhelmed. It's, it's interesting how that happens. I think that the unhealthy coping mechanisms, uh, things that we've learned over time and they've become sort of ingrained in. How we deal with the day to day, our day to day, the reason why we have these toolboxes and why we refer to them as, as, as this like definitive thing is because having other things to turn to prevents you from going down that route of using those unhealthy unhealthy tools.

[00:12:55] Um, I think a big part of, uh, the, the. The toolbox is actually just knowing that you have that toolbox. Yeah. It's that it's that you have identified X number of things that, that work for you. And when you get into an overwhelming situation or an overwhelming Headspace, or you're feeling depressed, it's knowing that you have those tools.

[00:13:21] That's very important because that prevents you from sliding away. Sort of losing that sense of control when you have your tools and you know that they're there, you have that control. You have the ability to go, okay, I'm going to open up my box and I'm learning to see what's in there and see what I can do in this situation.

[00:13:44] For me, a big. control is a big thing in my life. And just because I've always felt, you know, right from when I was a kid, I felt like my life has always been out of control. So I've, I've done everything that I could to try and try and create that sense of control. And because of that, I've found one, having that toolbox has been very important, but also having strategies.

[00:14:07] And I guess you could call that a tool in my box and having the strategy about what to do in a situation where I start to feel like I'm losing myself or I'm starting to feel depressed or, um, you know, and the anxiety is overtaking me. What do I do in those situations? You know, and I. I have a therapist, obviously that I've spent a lot of time discussing this with.

[00:14:32] And I think it's quite important to actually share these things that you, that you offline with someone, you know, someone else knows what to do in those situations and you know, so that they can help you because oftentimes we're not. When our feelings overwhelm, we can’t see the wood for the trees and it starts to become more difficult trust to make decisions we'll make good decisions for ourselves.

[00:14:57] So having someone there. Um, to, to be able to be your sounding board or to say, you know, this is what we identified when you were in a better space, this is what you should be doing right now. I think that that can be helpful. Um, so yeah, I think, I think having strategy, I mean, it's obviously going to be unique for everybody, but I noticed myself, there are certain things that I know I need to do.

[00:15:28] If my bad day turns into a bad week, turns into a bad month. You know, I see a therapist and I see a therapist even when I'm not getting depressed or, or whatever, it's, it's, it's something that I've consistently done for the last 15 years, because it's important to me. And it's important to have had that resource available when I need it.

[00:15:59] SureEyes: [00:15:59] Um, sorry to interrupt you there. I think that's something that people shy away from right. I think people don't see the value in having a therapist because they're like, why must I talk to a stranger who doesn't know me? Who doesn't know my situ, who's not invested in me. Who's not, you know,

[00:16:15] SureEyes: [00:16:15] And I’m just like for me, my response is always, but you would go to.

[00:16:22] Like

[00:16:23] a bariatric surgeon, like stomach issues. Why wouldn't you go to a psychiatrist or psychologist? Right. Someone trained in the human psyche, someone trained in that particular who understand you, but I'm sure they've seen your kind.

[00:16:47] Nicole: [00:16:47] I think a lot of people have this idea that, oh, why should I talk to a therapist when I can talk to a friend? And there's a big, big difference

[00:16:59] SureEyes: [00:16:59] friends are not trained to deal with

[00:17:01] Nicole: [00:17:01] Not only are, friend's not trained to deal with it, but it's unfair for you to expect your friends, to be able to deal with your mental health issues. You know, they can support you and, and a good friend will support you, but a good friend can’t

[00:17:14] hold you up a good friend can’t give you, you know, the tools that you need to, to dig yourself out of whatever hole you're in and to get your head space back to where it needs to be. You know, you can't expect friends to do that. And if you do, it's actually can be quite emotionally draining for them. I think it's important for us to be aware of that.

[00:17:39] And it's important for us too, to be aware of the effect that we have on our friends when we're in those mental states, not to say that you can't and you shouldn't, I mean, your friends do definitely form a big part of your support structure and now you can't expect them to be everything to you. Yeah.

[00:17:58] Sorry. Carry on.

[00:17:59] SureEyes: [00:17:59] I think this is the mistake we make right is, and I see it in relation like romantic relationship. More so than just with friendships. It's like you expect your partner to be everything to you. Right. You know, to fix all things wrong with you, so to speak. And I, you know, something I used to do in a relationship where I'd have, it's my, you know, it's for you to validate me, it's for you to, um, build my self esteem.

[00:18:37] It's for you to make me feel a certain way. It's for you at that level. Nevermind. You know, once you reach a point of crisis for you to deal with that, you know, It's really dangerous. I think for someone like me, who used to struggle with like codependency, you know, for someone like me who creates dependency in some of the relationships that I have, you know, it's, it's really dangerous because you don’t. You kind of rob yourself

[00:19:12] and the other person of being autonomous or of being, having agency. Of taking control

[00:19:20] Nicole: [00:19:20] You'll definitely eventually cut that person off at the knees because you know, there can't, there's no way that one person can hold another person. It's just, it's impossible. We don't have the capacity as human beings to, to carry someone for an indefinite period of time. You know, so you're doing yourself a disservice, you're doing them a disservice.

[00:19:44] You're doing your relationship a disservice will eventually break it because you are, you are expecting too much from the other person. And I think having a therapist can definitely not only help with those issues, but it can also take a lot of the response, not, not necessarily their responsibility, but a lot of the expectation away from your partner, that a lot of expectation that you have.

[00:20:09] Not the support, but the advice giving and the, you know, just it's about having someone else that you can go to and put your cards on the table and talk through these issues. And actually the better, not only new ways of thinking about things, but perhaps finding those tools that we're actually talking about, finding those in conjunction with someone.

[00:20:38] And a professional someone, as you said, you know if you were to, to have a broken leg, you would go to the door,

[00:20:46] SureEyes: [00:20:46] cholesterol issues, you would go see a dietician, you would see maybe go on some cholesterol meds you'd go on would be doing things that you would do with weight related issues. Right? Blood pressure related things.

[00:21:04] As an example, there’s medication there's diet there's exercise. There's that thing that will solve the full mental health problem. Sorry. I know there was a point when I thought you know, now that I'm on antidepressants, you know, I won't be depressed, you know, and it's like, this is the thing that is going to cure me, you know?

[00:21:34] And eventually having to realize that that's one part of my puzzle. That's one part of the...

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