ERP 286: How To Know If You Experience Limerence & What To Do About It - An Interview With Dr. L


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On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, my guest, a neuroscientist known only as Dr. L, joins the show to support us in understanding limerence, what it is and how to negotiate the experience. He describes how his motivation for starting his blog and online community was rooted in his own unexpected experience of limerence after a long period of contented life as a husband. Dr. L shares his fascination with the underlying neuroscience behind limerence and his hopes that he can support other people to make sense of their experience of limerence from that perspective.

Dr. L gives us his one-sentence working definition of what exactly limerence is and how it differs from a crush. Limerence is linked with big swings in mood, where an individual moves rapidly between a sense of euphoria and deep lows, depending on how they currently perceive their relationship with the other person. We also dive into what type of person may be more prone to unrequited love and the three elements that have to be present to go from being attracted to another person to being limerent for them.

This week’s guest expert, Dr. L, blogs on his site Living with Limerence under a pseudonym so he can be fearlessly frank. In his everyday life, Dr. L is a neuroscientist passionate about helping people understand what’s going on in their traitor brains and reprogram themselves into leading more purposeful lives. He wants to explain what limerence is, how it affects us psychologically and emotionally, and how to devise practical ways to master it and integrate it into life in a healthier way.

Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.

In this episode:

05:16 Dr. L’s personal experience of limerance and why he was inspired to start his blog

08:04 A working definition of limerance

14:40 The difference between a crush or the beginning of a romantic relationship and limerence

17:44 Why a distinguishing factor of limerance is the ability to function, socialize, or really engage in all the activities of a thriving life

19:29 The three elements that must be present to go from being attracted to another person to being limerent for them

23:31 The glimmer and hope, and then the uncertainty — and why that intermittent reinforcement makes you feel as if you’re addicted to someone

28:32 The characteristics of people who are a little bit more susceptible to limerance and the extra insight provided by the Myers Briggs type indicator

35:17 Why the relationship between limerence and attachment is so complex

42:53 The benign neglect that often happens in a marriage and why limerence can be the result of an unconscious feeling that something is missing in your marriage or partnership

45:58 Dr. L’s recommendations for people in limerence and how you can give yourself the empowerment of converting your rich inner world to something healthy and beneficial


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Twitter: @DrJessHiggins



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