Every saga has a beginning. A confusing, boring, vaguely racist beginning. The Tale of the Tape Film: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) Director: George Lucas Runtime: 500 million minutes (or 136 minutes; hard to say when you're watching it) Genre: Disgraceful Prequel Stars: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman Rated: PG for S…

Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go go go go! No seriously: GO. You suck. No, you can't have a ride home. I don't care. Take the bus or something. The Tale of the Tape Film: Revenge of the Ninja (1983) Director: Sam Firstenberg Runtime: 90 minutes Genre: Ninja Revenge Stars: Sho Kosugi, Keith Vitali, Throwing Stars …

A lot of the movies we cover on Gymkommentary are torture to watch. But we've never really tried doing this with something billed as torture porn. Now I don't know who killed me, but I do know what movie almost killed me: THIS ONE. The Tale of the Tape Film: I Know Who Killed Me (2007) Director: Chris Sivertson Runtime: 105 minutes Genre: Softcore …

Star Trek movies. The final frontier. These are the commentary tracks of the website Gymkommentary. Its continuing mission: to make fun of terrible films, to seek out new cinematic garbage and new celluloid travesties. To boldly mock where we're pretty sure at least a couple others have mocked before. Now just hum the TOS theme as you read through …

The Gymkommentarians. They're the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them. (OK, yes, well technically, there's a bunch of other people who are better at it, and who make a nice living doing it. But given the fact that Matt and Chris both have day jobs, significant others, and lives, and do this fo…

They are the two greatest actors of their generation. And in 2008, as the culmination of legendary, Academy Award-winning careers, they had their finest achievement. And by their finest achievement I mean their most unintentionally hilarious movie of either of their careers. That's how we measure achievement around here on Gymkommentary: DIY laughs…

Merriam-Webster defines a stabilizer as "a substance added to another substance or to a system (as an emulsion) to prevent or retard an unwanted alteration of physical state." Merriam-Webster can go eff himself. Wait, is Merriam-Webster two dudes or one dude with one of those hyphenated last names? Either way, he she or they can go screw. This here…

Silent for much of the second half of 2009, Gymkommentary returns to kick off 2010 with a vengeance! No, we're not doing Die Hard With a Vengeance. Please stop being more clever than us. Thanks. The Tale of the Tape Film: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009) Director: Ace Hannah Runtime: 90 minutes Genre: Ultra-Cheapo Monster Movie Stars: Deborah…

Like Jean-Claude Van Damme, Grover Cleveland, or that case of herpes you got in Sausalito, Gymkommentary has returned! The Tale of the Tape Film: Universal Soldier: The Return (1999) Director: Mic Rodgers Runtime: 82 minutes Genre: Needless Action Franchise Prolonger Stars: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Michael Jai White, Heidi Schanz, Xander Berkeley Rat…

He killed Babylonians. He killed Mesopotamians. But he was no match for: Gymkommentarians. The Tale of the Tape Film: The Scorpion King (2002) Director: Chuck Russell Runtime: 92 minutes Genre: Sandalsploitation Stars: The Rock, Steven Brand, Michael Clarke Duncan, Kelly Hu, Peter Facinelli Rated: PG-13 for Mild Sword Violence Without Blood, Atroci…

It's a long road, when you're on your own. And it hurts when they tear your dreams apart. And it's a longer road, when you're with the Gymkommentators. And it hurts when they never shut their mouths. The Tale of the Tape Film: Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985) Director: George P. Cosmatos Runtime: 96 minutes Genre: National Revenge Fantasy Stars: S…

Okay everyone! Look at the camera and say "How'd it get burned?!? HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?" The Tale of the Tape Film: The Wicker Man (2006) Director: Neil LaBute Runtime: 102 minutes Genre: Regrettable Remake Stars: Nicholas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan, Leelee Sobieski Rated: PG-13 for Intense Hairpieces, Suggestive Kicks to the Face, and Distu…