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A viral video has emerged of Joe Rogan spending 20 minutes in an ice bath. You know, it's nice to see Rogan finally shriveling something else besides the minds of his listeners. In the UK, a Brad Pitt look-alike says he had to delete dating apps after being "stalked" by women. Apparently it got real bad when he wouldn't be left alone by a Jennifer …
 
Check this out. The latest Biden gaffe is, Joe claims he used to drive an 18-wheeler. Maybe he's thinking of an Amtrak train? They have at least 18 wheels. Oh, I'm getting an update: he now claims he remembers when there weren't any wheels. In White House news, Biden has ordered immigration judges to stop using the term "alien". Instead, they must …
 
In Insurrection news, the Capitol rioter known as the "QAnon Shaman" is negotiating a deal to plead guilty under reduced charges due to a mental health disorder. Woah, woah, woah. You're telling me this guy has a screw loose? I can't see it.Here's something gross. A video has emerged showing a woman's landlord sneaking into her room and sniffing he…
 
In New Jersey, a girl was caught on video on an amusement park ride getting smacked in the face by a seagull. In a related story, the Seagull News Network, SNN, says there's an alarming up-tick in human girls getting in the way while you're trying to fly away from New Jersey. In the Netherlands, there's a new record for the world's most-expensive b…
 
Good news, emoji fans. There will be several new emojis later this year-- including a pregnant man. It's perfect for everyday scenarios like when your friend says "whatcha doing" and you don't have the energy to write back "I'm watching that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, JUNIOR." In nutrition news, food experts are reminding people that Pringles, Po…
 
In Malaysia, police destroyed 1,069 bitcoin mining computers with a huge steamroller. Asked how he felt when he heard about this, Elon Musk said "it's difficult"). In the UK, a pair of underwear once worn by Hitler's wife sold for $4k at auction. The sick part is, you just know whoever bought them is wearing them right now. In the UK, a man is luck…
 
In Fox News news, the network aired a bizarre segment where they had on Candace Owen's brother, Ty Smith, who claims that slavery was "never a race thing". Way to go Fox News, you finally found someone crazier than Candace Owens. Amazing to have all that dumb in one family.Check this out. In insurrection news, while raiding the home of a Jan 6 riot…
 
Get this. In New Zealand, a man set his house on fire after trying to cook steak in his toaster. Well done, sir. Well done. I hope there wasn't much damage... to the steak. In South America, a restaurant's chicken wings are so good, a guy refused to stop eating them while being robbed at gunpoint. It was the second time that day the customer had ye…
 
In Olympics news, Sha’Carri Richardson has been disqualified from the 100m dash for a positive marijuana test. I don't see how getting *high would even help you in the 100m dash…. now pole vaulters, that's a different story. Weed enthusiasts have already named a new strain after her: Hundred-meter Hash. In a move many are saying is racist, the Toky…
 
In Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg posted a cringey video of himself foil surfing while holding an American flag. Hey at least it's better than his old hobby: foiling democracy. Facebook is testing prompts that ask users if they're worried a friend is "becoming an extremist". The way it works is, if you select "yes", that friend will be all you ever…
 
In Florida, a woman named Booze crashed into a Taco Bell sign while driving drunk. She was sentenced to 30 days in jail and has to legally change her name to "Sobriety". Here's something scary. A group of researchers is calling for regulations on "dream advertising", warning that your Alexa device may soon be used to play ads while you sleep. Hey A…
 
In Marvel's Avengers news, the director behind the new "Loki" series has confirmed that the god of mischief is bisexual. I guess that explains why I caught him checking out my Asgard! Asked how he feels after experimenting with the same sex, Loki said "thor". Did you guys catch this? Britney Spears is finally opening up in court about the awful det…
 
Check this out. According to a new book, President Trump asked his DOJ to make Saturday Night Live stop teasing him. They ignored him of course, but you know, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that on some level, Pete Davidson is more powerful than Bill Barr. In Kamala news, now that Vice President Harris has visited El Paso, right-wingers h…
 
In ice cream news, the CEO of Dippin' Dots has been sued by his ex-girlfriend over alleged revenge porn. I'm shocked! The CEO of Dippin' Dots had a girlfriend? My sources say the most embarrassing part of the video is that she's eating Häagen-Dazs. Did you guys catch this? A petition with thousands of signatures is demanding that Jeff Bezos not be …
 
Listen up, HBO Max customers: thousands of viewers, myself included, received a strange email with subject line "Integration Test #1", causing the company to issue an apology, saying "Yes, it was the intern". At first I thought "well they should fire that kid", but then I realized, I'm kind of looking forward to the Integration Test season finale. …
 
Trump has announced he's writing a memoir, which he says will be "the book of all books". Ah, the books of all books written by the crook of all crooks. It'll be the first presidential memoir where the administration's accomplishments fit in a single footnote. Perfect book to pass the time while you're in prison for insurrection. Quick QAnon update…
 
In Donald Trump news, the former president says he will be reinstated as president by August. That'll be an interesting inaugural address. Not the speech-- the physical address--which will either be Leavenworth or Folsom prison. In Oklahoma, a highway was just named after Trump. If you want to know the exact location, it's the only patch of highway…
 
In space news, Japan is planning to send a "transforming robot" to the Moon in 2022. Apparently the robot's primary mission will be TO FIND THE ALL SPARK! This is cool. NASA's rover on Mars has successfully split CO2 to make breathable air using an instrument called "Moxie". Now there's a rover with verve... panache... chutzpah even. But moxie? Tha…
 
In Trump crime family news, the indictment is moving forward with a grand jury. When Trump heard that he said "That's right, it's the grandest, hugest, most beautiful jury in the history of juries." Quick QAnon update: the latest conspiracy theory is that UFO footage seen in the news lately is fake, and meant to distract us from voter fraud. So let…
 
Here's something bizarre. The CDC made a statement warning people not to kiss or snuggle poultry right now, due to salmonella. Wait, no kissing *or* snuggling? Is the CDC run by my ex? In Alabama, lawmakers have lifted a ban on yoga in public schools. Still banned in Alabama schools... science! In New York, Governor Andrew Cuomo has announced a "Va…
 
Reports say "Indiana Jones 5" will take place in space. Indiana Jones fans everywhere responded, "He chose...poorly." Apparently most of the budget is allocated to filling a spaceship with snakes. And I'm still waiting for an Indiana Jones that will take place in goddam Indiana like it's supposed to! In White House news, the president is teaming up…
 
Here's something dumb. Rand Paul says he's not getting vaccinated because he already had Covid, which goes against CDC recommendations. He later said "But I could be swayed if you told me the vaccine came with a free perm". Good news! New York's attorney general has upgraded its investigation into the Trump family business to a "criminal" probe. Wh…
 
In the Ukraine, the government has seized alcohol made from radioactive Chernobyl apples. You do NOT want to see the worms that were in those apples. And I can see the sales pitch now. "If you're tired of booze that puts hair on your chest, try one that makes it fall out of your head!". In conspiracy theory news, those pesky anti-maskers are up to …
 
Due to shortages, Chick-fil-A is now rationing out one dipping sauce per entrée. But don't worry-- homophobia is still unlimited.This made me smile. Gwyneth Paltrow has gone viral again, for admitting that she "broke down and ate bread" during lockdown. We've obtained exclusive footage of Gwyneth moments after she tasted it. "It is a new world!"In …
 
In Trump news, a new report says Donald's daughter Tiffany, and Don Jr's ex-wife Vanessa, both hooked up with secret service bodyguards. I guess that's why they just changed the agency's name to the "Well-I-Guess-the-Cat's-Out-of-the-Bag Service".Get this. There's a porn star running for governor of California, who has been campaigning mostly at st…
 
In Space news, many Americans were worried last week about an out-of-control Chinese rocket stage that eventually crashed into the Indian Ocean. When Elon Musk heard that, he said, "wait a second, you can *control* rockets??" Move over, Octomom. A woman in Mali has given birth to nine babies. Even stranger, the mom's name is Molly and she loves ecs…
 
In Saturday Night Live news, Elon Musk hosted SNL recently, which gave a big boost to ratings, but his favorite cryptocurrency Dogecoin, which had been on an epic upswing, crashed miserably. And they say Saturday Night Live isn't funny anymore. To the moon! In horse racing news, the Kentucky Derby champion, Medina Spirit, is under investigation for…
 
In Giuliani news, Rudy is in big legal trouble, and is apparently so desperate for money, he's shrinking his "entourage". Oh no! That makes me sad. His entourage was my favorite TV show.This is great. John Cox, a Republican running to replace Gavin Newsom in the California recall, is complaining that his publicity stunt of using a live 1000-lb bear…
 
Good news for the West Coast: according to the COVID Data Tracker, California has the lowest rate of new Coronavirus cases in America. Good job guys! And to celebrate, we'll honor one of our state's oldest traditions: recalling the Governor. In tobacco news, the FDA says they're banning all menthol cigarettes and flavored cigars. Flavored cigars? W…
 
Here's something fun. A lyric in a new Snoop Dogg song is getting attention for implying that he smoked weed with Barack Obama in the White House. Asked to comment, Michelle said "I told you guys greens are important." But the Obamas are concerned this could alter Barack's legacy and make him viewed as... even cooler than he already is.In Washingto…
 
This is amazing. Jim Acosta has finally had it with Fox News, and you've got to see this clip. ("Bullshit factory") Hey that's not a fair comparison. At least at a bullshit factory, you can take home some fertilizer. Score! In theme park news, Disneyland is finally open again, and photos have emerged of guests crying as they enter the park. Not bec…
 
Biden gave a speech in Congress, which was historic mainly because it was the first time the president's 2nd and 3rd in line of succession were two women, which Vice President Harris and Speaker Pelosi celebrated with a cool little elbow-bump. It was a scene that had every woman in America wondering, how high is Biden's cholesterol exactly?Republic…
 
In pandemic news, Coronavirus is reaching new heights, literally, as new cases are popping up on Mount Everest. Climbing enthusiasts say climbing Mount Everest with COVID is the new Mount Everest.Here's something helpful. Neighborhood community app "Nextdoor" says they'll now alert a user if what they’re about to post is racist. That story one more…
 
In China, a new app by the government asks citizens to report anyone who has "mistaken opinions". Apparently, the most jail time goes to people who say the Star Wars prequel movies are the best ones in the franchise.In California, a burglar was arrested for a break-in after his bodily fluids, one in particular, was found on a laptop with porn in th…
 
Quick update from Cupertino. Apple's hot new product is something called AirTags, which helps you find lost items. Apple says the AirTags will ensure you'll never lose anything again... except all your money on frivolous Apple purchases. Check this out. According to experts, American honey is radioactive from decades of nuclear bomb testing. So if …
 
This is nuts. LeBron James tweeted-and-then-deleted a reaction to the knife-wielding black woman who was shot by a white policeman, but O.J. Simpson of all people tweeted that LeBron should "Wait for the facts!" And if that doesn't work, run away from the facts in your Ford Bronco. Here's a headline that would have been bonkers a year ago: Armie Ha…
 
Well, the Senate passed the COVID-19 Hate Crimes Act to combat hate crimes against Asian Americans by a vote of 94-1. The lone "no" vote was Josh Hawley, surprise surprise. My team found a fortune cookie Josh got at a Chinese restaurant the next day, and it said "You have no lucky numbers. Also you just ate poison."Tucker Carlson had a complete mel…
 
Quick vaccine update. Johnson & Johnson's shot is on hold after a small number of people had blood clots. One thing's for sure: Johnson and Johnson is now anything but tear free. Good news, sunbathers. Researchers at Harvard have developed a new vaccine for skin cancer. "This is absolutely terrible news!" said the CEO of Banana Boat. In Pennsylvani…
 
This is so cool. NASA's "Ingenuity" helicopter made history on Mars by performing the first powered, controlled flight on another planet. My sources say it even spotted Matt Damon! We're coming for you soon, buddy! No we're not.More space news. Elon Musk's landed a $3B NASA contract for SpaceX to land the first woman on the Moon. Elon, if you're li…
 
Here's something nuts. Jackass star Steve-O poured hot sauce directly into his eye during an episode of the "Hot Ones" challenge. It hurt so bad, he promised to only do it 20 more times. I hear Steve-O's optometrist is really enjoying that new yacht. Good news, potheads. Uber's CEO says the ride-hailing company may soon get into cannabis delivery. …
 
In White House dog news, Biden’s German Shepherd Major will be sent away for training after biting several people. It's a special obedience course that has calmed down many bad dogs called "Mailmen Lives Matter". After the training, Major hopes to return as an Admiral. In case you missed it, Mike Pence has undergone surgery to have a pacemaker impl…
 
Here's something bizarre. In Thailand, a video has gone viral showing a giant lizard climbing the walls of a 7-11. In response, Warner Bros' marketing team has sent a giant monkey to I'm sure completely improve the situation there. In China, five hitmen were jailed after each one hired the next to carry out a murder that was never committed. Turns …
 
Listen to this. According to a new study, redheads experience less pain because they have pigment cells that influence hormones related to opioid receptors. Whew! Now I don't have to feel so guilty about all the ones I beat up in middle school. In Elon Musk news, his Neuralink company has released a video where they've trained a monkey to play Pong…
 
Sad News for the rap world-- Rapper DMX died last week. Most people don't know this, but DMX had a ton of kids-- 15 little DMX's by 15 different DM exes. He's the modern-day Genghis Khan. 1000 years from now, everyone will have DMX DNA. Did you guys catch this? Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter went viral for posting TikToks that roast her mom's "Goop" br…
 
In dictatorship news, North Korea says they have a perfect record with Coronavirus and have zero cases in the country. Riiiight. Same as the excellent job they did there stopping starvation, torture and bad haircuts. I believe it! Here's something for your nightmares. Rudy Giuliani's son Andrew says he's heavily considering a 2022 run for Governor …
 
Here's something cool. Scientists have found that humans have the genetic foundation to create venom in our bodies, which could give new meaning to being a "toxic person". We've obtained exclusive footage of the doctor who made the discovery. In space exploration news, NASA has a helicopter on Mars which is preparing to land in an evaporated lake t…
 
Great news, New Yorkers! Governor Andrew Cuomo has signed a law legalizing Marijuana. Now if Cuomo thinks this will get everyone to chill out and forget his corruption... he's probably right! Asked to comment on pot being legal, New York City said "This is great! I can finally sleep". In White House dog news, Joe's German Shepherd is up to no good …
 
As you may have heard, Major League Baseball has moved the All-Star game out of Georgia in retaliation for the new voter suppression law. "This is an absolute travesty!" said everyone on Twitter who literally can't name one current baseball player. In Kardashian news, authorities have arrested a man who went swimming naked in Kendall Jenner's pool.…
 
In Fox News news, Laura Ingraham has launched a threatening tirade at companies speaking out against voter suppression, saying "We're going to punish you". Apparently Marvel is already talking to Laura about being in the next Punisher movie. I think it's clear what must be done. We need to cancel Laura Ingraham for cancelling corporations that are …
 
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